February 23, 2012

yummy mummy

I found a website via Pinterest (Duh. Of course. Who needs Google anymore?) that might possibly change my life as I know it.
Or this could just be a passing fancy and I might be over it tomorrow and everything will get back to normal.
But I prefer to think I'm on the brink of new and great things. Sounds better and whatnot.

Let me start at the beginning.

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

... After that, I hate cooking.

I can't ever remember liking to cook. Never ever. I do remember Moma waking me up at the crack of dawn several times so I could bake biscuits for the family when I was like, seven. Child labor was obviously allowed in our household.
And I remember Moma torturing and abusing me throughout my teenage years by making me cook two or four times a week. Actually, I don't remember a whole lot about that. It's a blur. I block out all bad memories like those.

I tell people that I can't cook, but that's not completely true. I can't cook is more like code for I hate cooking so much, I'd rather starve. I'd rather eat fast food. I'd rather eat ice cream. I'd rather go to Karen's around supper time. Cooking makes me mentally unstable. Cooking makes me sweat profusely.
And for once in my life, I'm not exaggerating when I say that just having someone else talk to me about cooking gives me a big panicky knot in my stomach because I suddenly think to myself, What if one day...I HAVE TO COOK??? And then I start sweating and I get a lump in my throat and I pray.

I've tried to like cooking. Pioneer Woman cooks. And I have to like whatever she likes because I love her. I've even read her cookbook, twice. But I still had to send PW an email letting her know that on this one thing, just this one thing, we differed. Sad, but true.

But! Insert me being on Pinterest, looking up smoothie recipes because I'm on a mission to gain weight (Because I'm underweight and it's a curse.) by giving myself large doses of Tru Food Vegan Berry Powder and Green Superfood, Lemon Lime mixed in a smoothie every morning. And I'll gain twenty pounds within a few months. I hope.

 I found this recipe: Berry Spinach Smoothie


Which led me to the coolest website: Yummy Mummy

I'm drawn to pretty pictures. And Yummy Mummy has the prettiest food photos ever. All the photos you're about to see are stolen from her. I love them. And I want to cook all her recipes... just because they're pretty.
So I went thru some of her stuff and found a few things I'm going to make. Easy things, because I haven't changed my mind about cooking. It's hard, sweaty work and I want the easy route. Because I'm the queen of easy routes and I'm always like, Where the heck is easy street? Because easy is better than difficult.

French Toast with Stewed Berries


Pretty twist on plain ol' french toast, right?
And I love french toast. And I already know how to make it! Congratulations to myself.

Spinach and Egg Fillo Cups


Aren't those the coolest things??? And how easy can you get?

Heart Meringue Cookies


Be still my heart. I need to make those for Lily's Pinkalicious birthday party.

Pear Sorbet in Gingersnap Cups


Pears are one of my favorite things right now. I love them. And I feel really smart when I go to the store and pick one up out of the produce bin and sniff it and say, This one isn't ripe yet. It doesn't smell right. I feel like a for real grocery shopper, a pear connoisseur.
And who knew sorbet was so easy to make? Only 4 ingredients!

Pear, Cheese, and Honey Appetizer


I repeat: I like pears.

And one last recipe...

Pumpkin Cheesecake Dip


All I need to know is, where do you get pumpkin butter? Walmart? Mars? I've never seen it. I need it. I want to dip pears in it. Or maybe just 10 of my fingers.

For me, cooking is all about opening a bag of potato chips.
But maybe... maybe I'll like the easy stuff.
Since it's pretty.
And I'm practical like that.

February 21, 2012

white and nerdy

I love Audrey Hepburn.
I used to be obsessed with her until I read a couple books about her life. She was kinda a brat so after reading all about her, I didn't like her for a couple years. But I got over that and loved her again. I'm wishy washy like that.
But seriously, who can't love her on Roman Holiday? Charade? My Fair Lady? Sabrina?


She's iconic. So is her hair. And I've wanted Audrey Hepburn hair since I was 12. That short pixie cut with those baby bangs.
I got the nerve to chop off all my waist length hair when I was 19. I loved it. But I've never had the nerve to do the short baby bangs.

Until Friday.

Friday, I gathered my courage and my scissors.
Friday, I stood before the bathroom mirror and prayed, God give me baby bangs.
He gave 'em to me alright.
On Friday, I clutched my newly shorn and chilly forehead and said, I curse the day I was born. I needs must text my sisters for consolation. 

After having meticulously snipped away at my bangs for half an hour, I had baby bangs.
Unfortunately, four days later, I've still got 'em.
Whereas Audrey's baby bangs look iconic, classic, and beautiful, mine just look...

... kinda white and nerdy.

I went from these bangs.

To these.

So then I went and bought this shirt at Target last night.
To go along with my new nerdy bangs.


My hair and my shirt match perfectly.

So let us come to the conclusion of the whole matter: there can only ever be one Audrey.
And I ain't her.

February 18, 2012

products

I have three banes of my existence: my hair, my skin, and headaches.

My hair is like broom bristles, my skin still thinks I'm a teenager in the throes of acne, and if a day goes by without me getting a headache, I'm like, Dude... is something wrong? Should I go to the doc? I didn't get my headache today...
But I've found a few products and tutorials that have made me super happy the last few months, and wanted to share them.

Headaches:  I have zero pain tolerance. Seriously, on a scale on 1-10, my pain tolerance levels are like a -5.
You'll never see me trying to have a baby without an epidural. I want 3 epidurals and a morphine drip in all my major limbs. I want horse tranquilizers. I want to go to sleep pregnant and wake up three days later with a three day old baby. And when I wake up, the doctors will all tell me how great I was thru everything, how I never screamed and hollered or anything, and I'll be like, I WANT MORE MORPHINE.
So when I get a headache, I die. And no amount of Tylenol, Advil, Aleve, or Ibuprofen helps. I usually go to bed. Or stay awake and snap everybody's heads off.
But a couple months ago, a friend said something to me about Excedrin migraine and how it helped her. So I bought it. And popped one when I was dying of a headache one day. But it didn't help so I threw the bottle in my purse and was like, Those things are DUMB.
But then I got another headache another day, and while I was weeping and wailing and gnashing my teeth and threatening to slice my own throat, I suddenly got the bright idea to pop three of those Excedrin migraine things.
Three was the magic number, baby. Those things worked. Especially with a coffee.
And now I've got it down to an art. As soon as I feel that pinching behind my eyes, I take one of those blessed things with a coffee and I'm good. Catch it in time, and I don't have to take three.
Feel the pinching, pop a pill, drink a coffee, and then the headache goes away without my eyesight having the chance to go all wonky and my stomach getting all wigged out.

Excedrin migraine was invented in heaven by beatific heavenly angels. I sing their praises.

Hair:  My hair. It's retarded. It has it's own separate identity.
It's frizzy.
It's coarse.
It's super thick.
It's super puffy.
It's stiff.
It's dry.
It's dull.
Half my hair is curly, the other half is straight.
It has memory foam qualities. You know how when you get up from lying on a memory foam, the indention from your body is still there in the foam? That's how my hair is. If I wear a ponytail and then take the hair tie out, I will still have a ponytail and my hair is like, Look! No hands! If I take a nap and sleep with my head in my open hand, when I wake up... I will have a very visible handprint in my hair.
I have to wash, blow dry, and either straighten or pull my hair back everyday. Which results in dryer, duller, more broken hair. It's a vicious cycle.

But Karen introduced me to BioSilk Silk Therapy awhile back and I finally started using it on a daily basis a few months ago. It's a leave-in hair oil. It makes such a big difference. But it's not cheap. I bought it from Walmart for around $14 for a few ounces. It does last for a long time though, and since it works, it was worth it to me. I still have retarded hair, but at least it's shiny and halfway manageable when I use the BioSilk.
But then the other day a friend told me she uses Apricot Kernel Oil on her hair. So I looked it up and you can buy a 16 oz. bottle at Super Supplements for under six bucks. How cheap is that? And her hair looks great, all shiny pretty.
So apricot kernel oil is on my shopping list. Because I like getting more for cheaper.

Also, I found a DIY hot oil treatment on Pinterest that's so easy it's ridiculous. All you need is olive oil and honey. And I can make it myself which is even better because then I can be like, Oh my amazing hair? I use all my own products. That's right. Don't you wish you were me?

And that'll happen like, never. But it's fun to imagine.

Here's the link for the recipe/tutorial.

And here are the links for a few hair tutorials I've been trying out. And although my hair never looks quite like the pictures (I need longer hair), it's close enough and I'm happy.

Sock bun/curls. My hair tried staying in a bun after I took the bun down, but still... I made it work.

Photo stolen from Emily K.

Braided crown. My hair is nowhere near as long as this girl's, but I modified it a bit and loved the results.

Photo stolen from Keiko Lynn.

Side braid and bun. I really, really love braids. Really alot.

Photo stolen from Love Maegan.

Pretty hairs, right? I feel like I'm finally reaching an understanding with my retarded hair.
... Knock on wood.

Skin:  I saved the best for last. I've been making my own body/facial products for the last month or so, and I love them.
I've made a bunch of different things, but I've narrowed the list down to my three favorites.

But first, I found something that I can't make, but that I've been really impressed with the last couple months. I was a ProActive girl. Not that I love ProActive, but I need it and it works better than anything else I've found so... I bought it. But not anymore. I found this stuff called OXY Clinical at Walmart for about $8. It works just as well as ProActive, and $8 sounds alot better than $50, doesn't it?
If you're a ProActive user, you're so welcome for that tip!

And now for the homemade stuff.

If I had money to waste, I'd waste alot of it on body products. But there's no way I'm going to spend $25 on a few ounces of salt scrub at Bath and Body Works. And I'm allergic to smells so Bath and Body Works is off limits anyways, unless I want to be sick. But I gaze wistfully at that store anytime I go to the mall. I want all those jars and tubes and bottles of scrumptious stuff.
So I was on Craftgawker and Pinterest one day last month and found these three tutorials...

Salt and Honey Scrub with Grapefruit

Photo stolen from Rise and Shine.

I love grapefruit!
This is a big recipe and since the scrub is supposed to last for only two weeks, I cut it in half.
I didn't add the rosemary oil because I don't like rosemary.
The recipe calls for 1 cup of oil (If you're going to cut it in half like I did.), but that was really alot of oil so I only used about a quarter cup and it was perfect.
And I'm about to make this again, but this time I'm going to use raw sugar and almond oil. Just to see if I like that better. And because... have you ever tried shaving while using a salt scrub? Talk about ouch.
I even use the oil from this scrub to remove my eye makeup. Works great.

Skin Brightening Kiwi Mask

Photo stolen from ecokaren.

This stuff lives up to it's name. And it's so cheap and easy to make.
My skin was so bright and polished after using it. And I couldn't believe how smooth my skin felt after just one use.
It looks gross in real life though. Kinda a vomit green. But if you accidently get it in your mouth, it tastes really good so that's a plus.
I cut this recipe in half too, and even that was too much mask for me to use up in one week by myself. (You have to throw it out after a week. It goes bad.)

El Cheapo Microdermabrasion

Do you know how much microdermabrasion is? I do. Alot. I asked about it the last time I went to the dermatologist and she was like, It only costs an arm and a leg each session.
And I was like, Session? There are sessions? Like it doesn't get done all at once?
And she was like, Haha, you silly little girl! Of course you have to come back! We can't blast all your skin off in one sitting, can we?
And I was like, Do you have a little brown paper bag? I need one to breath into.

So when I found this tutorial on Pinterest, I was stoked.
Baking soda and water. You can't get any easier. And it really does work. My skin glows. It's dewy. It's wonderful. But I can't use it everyday. It's a scrubby thing, not a cleanser so using it every day dries my face out. But I use it a few times a week and that seems perfect.

One more link and I'll be done: Jessica Brown on Pinterest
I started following this girl on Pinterest. She has tons of DIY stuff, and I found some of the stuff I've made via her. And there's alot more that I haven't had the chance to try out yet. She's worth a look if this is your kind of thing.
I love making my own stuff. For one, it's cheaper and I like cheap.
But mostly, I like knowing I made it myself. Makes me happy.

I pat my own back unashamedly.

February 14, 2012

valentine's day: when you're single

It's Valentine's Day.
I kinda like Valentine's Day. Even if I am single.
And even if everything is pink and I don't care for pink.
Also, I hate cupids. Cupid rhymes with stupid, just so you know.

Cupid Haiku:

Cupid was stupid,
Fat and naked,
Stupid Cupid was cold in winter.

I wrote that myself. In honor of Valentine's Day.

But I like all the hearts, and flowers, and chocolates, and cards.
(I get them from my mom. Because I'm single and all.)
And I don't mind babysitting for all the couples going out on dates.
(Because when you're single, you automatically become the designated babysitter on Valentine's Day. It's every single girl's destiny.)
And I don't mind all the cracks about, So why are you still single? Couldn't catch a guy, huh? How old are you anyway?
(Catch a guy? What am I supposed to do... take fishing lessons? )

A friend posted this video on facebook awhile back.
I cried tears of laughter watching it.


Now that I've watched this video, and know the top ten ways to get a guy to like me, I'll probably be married, like, next week.

I'm a single girl. I've been single for 28 years. So I'm very experienced in all things single.
When I was 18, my mom started telling me not to worry, her grandmother didn't get married until she was 28.
But then I turned 28 this past December.
Moma's had to switch from comforting me with my old maid, great-grandmother Matilda's plight-turned-miracle to comforting me with things like, I'm going to Walmart. I'll pick you up some Oreos.


People always ask me why I'm still single.
I'm picky. That's it. I've got standards, dude.
And the one and only relationship I've ever been in was because I let my standards down. And when I say down, I mean rock bottom down.
And when I escaped from that disastrous relationship by the skin of my teeth, I asked God to help me kick my standards back up and keep them up. Which is what I should have done all along and saved myself alot of trouble and heartache.

Here's the common myth: Every single girl desperately wants to get married.
Here's the truth: Most single girls want to get married. Duh. Some more desperately than others. Also duh.

Here's another common myth: Every single girl spends 40 hours a week planning her wedding, spends another 40 hours a week collecting recipes for when she marries, has a hope chest which contains 40 different kinds of table linens, has scrapbooks and notebooks full of things me and him will do together... if I ever meet him, and cries herself to sleep because she thinks Prince Charming got killed somewhere and is never going to show up.
Here's the truth: 1. I've spent approximately 10 hours of my life planning my imaginary wedding. I will wear a dress. I will walk the aisle. I will say I do. We will promptly leave and go somewhere warm. It will all be very cheap. The end.
2. I hate cooking. With all my heart, soul, and body.
3. I have a hope chest. It's empty.
4. I hate scrapbooking. But if I did like scrapbooking and if I did write about what me and him will do together, it would say, He'll watch ESPN and I'll hot glue stuff. We'll order pizza.
5. If Prince Charming got killed somewhere, that's his own darn fault. He should've smartened up.

Myth busted. (Get it? Like the show? I've always wanted to say that.)

Anyway, here's the thing about being a single girl: it's pretty much fun.
Sure, there are pros and cons, but there are pros and cons to marriage too.
And that one disastrous relationship I mentioned? It taught me a few things.

1. Never let your standards down.
2. Never cast your pearls before swine.
3. Be happy with single life because waiting for Mr. Right is alot better than being with Mr. Wrong.
4. Guys and girls can't be close friends. (If you disagree, I'm right and you're wrong.)
5. He does not, absolutely does not, think of you as his sister. Or even his buddy.
6. If you don't have each other's honesty, trust, and respect, it'll never work.
7. True love isn't a sweet line, it's sacrifice.
8. When faced with Mr. Wrong, run. Run for your life because really, your life depends on it.
9. God is sweeter than any guy ever thought about being and if the guy you're with jeopardizes your relationship with Him... get out and get out fast. No guy is worth losing something so precious as your relationship with God.
10. Trading Mr. Wrong for that relationship with God, is trading up. Way up.

So for all you single girls out there, don't sweat Valentine's Day. Enjoy it!
You're where you should be and don't waste the life God's given you by wishing for something different.
He has given it to you, it's a gift. Take it, run with it, thank Him for it.
Have girl's night, wear sweats, don't wear make-up, watch Castle until 3am, never cook, and enjoy not worrying about falling into the toilet at night because... there's no one around to leave the seat up.
But mostly, enjoy God's loving sweetness and be content with it. I found him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let him go.

And now I have to go frost a bunch of cupcakes for a pack of kids to gobble up tonight.
Because it's Valentine's Day, and all their parents are going out for the church's Valentine's dinner.

All my ardent love,
She Who Is Destined To Babysit