August 08, 2013

anyway, i just needed to go pee

I went to the farms again yesterday.

I rode around in a combine all day with a farmer named Drew. He was a really nice guy. He told me lots of stuff about farming. Like how hawks love a freshly harvested field because it stirs up all the field mice, and how one time he thrashed a porcupine up into his combine and had to clean it's guts out of the machine. But he was pretty happy that time because most of the guts blew out the chaff blower and there wasn't too much left to clean up.
Let me draw you a little diagram of the combine:

I'm not really sure what they call the chaff blower. That's my made up name for it. It blows out the chaff.

I am sure lots of things happened yesterday. Probably cool things too. I can't remember them though because I drank a coffee on the way down to the farms, and guess what? The farmers all got together around a tire and peed, but guess what? There was nowhere for me to go, that's what. I have no problem roughing it. I'll locate and utilize the nearest shrubbery if that's all there is. But guess what? There isn't a single shrub in a wheat field. There wasn't even a fence post. There were, however, 7 farmers and zero privacy.
But I'd like to state, for the record, that I didn't whine or complain at all. I held that Starbucks for 5 hours. At which point, my eyes started watering and I finally burst out, OHMYGOSH, DREW! I am going to PEE on this SEAT. I  hope you don't MIND. It's a good thing it's plastic covered.
Drew was like, There ain't no ladies room out here, but if you don't mind doing things farmer style... here's some paper towels. 
I was like, I don't care, so long as it's private style.
So Drew drove us down a hill, away from all the other farmers working the field, and I accepted his paper towels. But since the entire cockpit is made of glass and has giant rear view mirrors, the only place I could go was directly in back of the combine. I figured this was no problem. I would skip cheerfully behind the combine, I would hover, I would pee, I would live happily ever after. I skipped alright. Skipped right into the chaff blower. That thing blows like 40 tornadoes and 5 hurricanes. I've never blinked so hard and frantically in my life. I was like, Am I in Kansas yet, Toto? I still had grand ideas of hovering though. But I am here to tell you, it is actually impossible to hover during a hurricane. And I am here to ask you, have you ever sat down in a stubble field and gone pee while a hurricane blows over your head, and your arms are flailing around trying to protect yourself from said hurricane, and you're just praying that none of the other farmers will drive over the hillside and see you? And then you pray that a field mouse won't run across your leg or something, and that the flock of hawks circling overhead won't dive bomb you? Well I have, and it is many things. Fun is not one of those things. Itchy IS one of those things. Awkward is another one of those things. Also, I had straw stuck in all the places where I sit down for the rest of the day. Which was also itchy and squirmy.
I feel that this experience was impressive enough to put on future resumes should the occasion ever arise.

May God bless all farmers.

She Who Lived To Tell The Story