pregnancy, birth, and luna

You guys, I hated pregnancy. I tried to think of something nice to say about it, but I couldn’t think of much. I loved feeling Luna move. I loved Aaron’s reactions and excitement to everything. I loved everyone’s excitement. I loved setting up Luna’s room. I really loved making checklists for all the things.

And I feel anxiety at the memory of any of the rest of it. I think I had 3 weeks in the third trimester that I felt good, and the rest was just horrendous.

Aaron asked me one day as I sat in the middle of our bed, puking for the 9 millionth time into a little trash can, “How many kids should we have??? HOW ABOUT SIX HAHAHAHA”. 

Hilarious. I started sobbing. No, just this one. Never again will I do this. Never.

But then Luna was born and I was like, Yes! definitely at least one more!

And then Luna hit five months and I was watching her newborn videos and I was like, Yes! Definitely at least 27 more! And I started a new babylist of names.

I was so surprised by the level of excitement going on. People that I barely know were practically dying of excitement. I got gifts from people I’ve never seen. I had no idea people are this way about a pregnancy. It was similar to our wedding, but x1000. 

Our baby shower was beautiful. I could not believe the amount of gifts we were given. I pulled them all out onto the living room floor at our house and we barely had walking room. 

Labor, birth, recovery, becoming a mom, breastfeeding, sleepless nights, and postpartum body changes were all a literal breeze. Unlike pregnancy, I can hardly think of a single negative thing to say. Even the parts that were hard or a learning curve have felt like nothing. I’ve loved all of it. I really thought it would all be much more overwhelming than it has been. Although we’re only six months in with our first so maybe just give me time. Everybody knock on wood for me.

Labor started Tuesday @7am. I ran errands which was a mistake. I just wasn’t aware yet that it was labor, but by the time I got back home, I was pretty certain because of the pain.

Water broke and lost the plug around 10am.

Contractions were strong, but unable to time them as they never let up. I couldn’t tell when they started or ended.

Stayed home doing all my normal things (except sleep) until 2am Wednesday morning.

Arrived at the hospital around 2:30am, and they confirmed my water had broken. I was dilated to 3 which surprised me since I had been in labor for so long.

I paced around the hospital for the next 10 hrs, and contractions stayed strong and steady.

I dilated to 4 and asked for an epidural so that I could sleep, and not be in pain.

2 hours later, I was still at 4 and they recommended Pitocin. I turned it down.

Another 2hrs later, I was still at 4 and they recommended Pitocin again. This time I agreed.

Luna’s heart rate dropped immediately and they stopped the Pitocin.

After an hour, they tried it again with the same results. We didn’t try Pitocin again.

Around 9pm Wednesday I had dilated to 5, and had a fever that kept rising.

At about 10pm, the fever was still climbing and they found meconium in the womb.

I asked for a cesarean. Much to the relief of my doctor. During the surgery, they saw that she was facing up and very wedged into the birth canal. 

Luna Juliet was born 7lbs 11oz via cesarean just after 11pm Wednesday Oct 2nd, after 40hrs of labor. 

I’ve wondered if I would do anything differently, but I don’t think I would. Other than look at myself in a mirror before people come by. I had no idea that my face was so swollen after the birth and my eyes looked like mini butts. I asked Aaron why he wouldn’t tell me and he said what you look beautiful and I was like it is not beautiful to have butts eyes.

I would possibly not tell anyone that I was in labor for awhile, but I’m not sure about that. I enjoyed having friends and family popping in. I just wonder what it would be like to have only Aaron and I as well. Curiosity, not a regret. I would use the same dr and the same hospital. I loved everyone there. I liked that it felt like I hardly saw them in the room until things got serious. They just popped by every now and then to make sure I didn’t need anything. I liked that I told them what I wanted and I got it without a fuss. I would choose a cesarean again under the circumstances. I believe without it one or both of us would be dead. I would maybe do an epidural earlier than I did. I thought holding out on that would speed labor up because I could be more mobile, but it made no difference and I was very tired by the time I got it. I didn’t fully wake up for a couple weeks, but with narcolepsy that’s to be expected so I don’t know if getting it earlier would have made a difference. I liked being able to walk around so much while I was in labor. But I loved being able to sleep. So I feel like I got the best of both worlds. 

I really loved Luna’s birth. It was so relaxed in spite of complications. I never felt worried about anything. The only part that was terrible was when I vomited right before surgery, and then shortly afterward simultaneously had a cataplexy attack and started violently shaking. I couldn’t stop the shaking and it really bothered me. But it was over so fast and wasn’t a big deal. 

Hearing Luna’s first cry made me cry. Seeing her made me cry. She was so pretty, staring right at me with little spit bubbles on her lips. The anesthesiologist kept tell me to look over at him (he was taking pics for us), but I couldn’t look away from her. I never felt connected to her at all during the pregnancy, and really I didn’t feel that connection until we were driving home. But that first moment was so incredible and special, and the clearest memory I have of the entire birth.

Next up, the revolving door of family coming up to the hospital! I love our family! I loved seeing them all come in and meet Luna. I just wanted everyone to see her and love her and hold her. 

On the drive home, Luna screamed bloody murder in her carseat so Aaron turned on some music. The Beatles Here Comes the Sun came on. “Little darling...” Luna immediately stopped crying and the sun actually streamed out from behind some clouds at that exact moment. I looked over at Aaron and thought this is my little family and sobbed the entire rest of the way home. I was so happy. 

There are so many things that I feel differently about now that I actually have a kid. You know how before you have all these opinions? And then they change? I think it’s so funny how much suddenly changes! Aaron and I have had a good laugh at ourselves over some of these things. But here’s my favorite from the day we got home:

A baby’s cry has never made me feel sorry for them. I actually really hate the sound of babies crying and will just shut the door and walk away. If they need something or are hurt that’s different, but just crying for no reason doesn’t make me feel anything other than big need to get out of there. So with that in mind we both agreed we’ll let our baby cry it out! We won’t spoil her as other people do! If she’s been fed and changed and cuddled, then she can cry!

We got home and Aaron went downstairs to make us a coffee. I had just changed and fed Luna. I put her into her Mamaroo swing so I could go grab some stuff. She started crying within seconds. I held out for a whopping 45 seconds before I started crying and swooped her up. As I picked her up, Aaron walked into the room with our coffees and tears streaming down his face. He said, maybe we can teach her to tough out when she’s older than three days? I said absolutely as I continued crying. So we sat there spoiling our beautiful baby with horrible cuddles and drinking our coffees and honestly still crying about the whole thing for the next ten minutes. Luna loved the whole experience and I know this because she stopped crying.