this year so far

Every thing on this blog is about Luna these days. We have a few other things going on in our life other than Luna, but it’s just less interesting and way less adorable.

We became debt free in April! Thank you Dave Ramsey- even if I do disagree with 50% of what you teach haha. I haven’t been the greatest at keeping track of everything, but I think we paid off about $50,000 total of student loans, car loans, and medical bills. Our first year of marriage, I had us practically eating beans and rice and pinching pennies like crazy. After that we took it much slower and took a breather to just… eat a steak, buy baby stuff, buy new socks, etc. But it’s so great to be fully debt free. The day that I made the last payment (Which was a big one. Like $5,000 and it felt SO good!), Aaron wasn’t home to celebrate with me so I danced Luna around the living room, texted a bunch of people, and then that night we went to Walmart and bought a little firepit for our patio and Panda Express for dinner. 

Aaron is starting a new job on Monday. HVAC and he’ll be going to school for it too. I’m so excited for him and for our family. It’s slightly scary and has been a hard decision for him to make such a big switch with his job. There are a lot of great perks and better pay with his current job that he’ll be giving up. But he’ll be able to move up in his new job and hopefully start a business in the future. And I am just really proud of him.

We got approved to buy a house last year, but then the housing market BLEW UP. I told Aaron I am not buying a ratty trailer house for $250,000,000,000.00 which is about what it’s like here. So instead of buying a house we added a little patio to our backyard and some shades and a pergola. And somehow God worked it out so that almost everything was free and given to us. And it has been the BEST thing ever. We sit out there every day in our rocking chairs with our bird feeders like we are 89 years old.

I found out I was pregnant the week before Mother’s Day, and we told our moms on Mother’s Day because it felt special to tell them on that day. And then about an hour later I began to miscarry. We hoped it was just normal pregnancy bleeding, but after a couple days it was clear it was another miscarriage. This was my fourth miscarriage and they have all happened in almost the exact same way. I find out, I announce, within hours I miscarry. I told Karen what are the odds that would happen four times. You might wonder why I announce so early with having so many miscarriages. I literally cannot keep it a secret. I try to with each pregnancy. “Aaron, for sure let’s wait to tell anyone. It would be so fun to announce when we know the gender!” Then two hours later, I’ve told the entire world. Also within an hour of a positive pregnancy test, I have a fully functional baby registry up, maternity clothes ordered, and a baby name picked out. I just really like getting everything done RIGHT NOW. But it did feel a little bitter to have to return maternity clothes that I didn’t need after all.

I’ve hesitated to say this to very many people because it seems to come across cold hearted and unrelatable. Cold hearted is the last thing I feel about it. But I am not devastated by my miscarriages. It’s sad for me, very disappointing, and not easy. But it isn’t a devastating or unbearable grief. I move on within days. I read a thing awhile back on what not to say to a woman after miscarriage: “Do not say God knows best. Do not say there will be other babies. Do not say they’re in a better place. Do not say there is a reason for this.”That gave me a pause because I believe all of those things with all of my heart. I love to think of having four babies in heaven, even if simultaneously I wish they were here. It makes heaven much more real to me. I think of my grandmother’s hands touching those babies. And the way Christ held the little children. I almost cannot bear even thinking of those things because they seem too great for me.

Before we got married, Aaron and I talked about how we would feel if we couldn’t have children. It’s easy to talk before you’ve experienced something, but we agreed that we thought we would be okay with that. We wanted kids, but we felt it would be okay if God didn’t allow us to have them. In the back of my mind though, I wondered if that would change down the road. That was put to the test when I had 3 successive miscarriages within 9 months, and IVF was brought up every time I saw the dr. Each time I felt the same- I am at peace with this. I do not like it and it isn’t what I would choose given the choice, but I am at peace. 

And now I wonder if God will give us more children. I don’t know. And it’s hard for me to kick against that when I look at Luna each day. She brings us so much joy and is such a gift. When I think of more children, which I do want, I also think that what I have is enough; more than I ever thought I’d have.

I didn’t mean to turn this post into a story of miscarriage. But there you have it! 

I stopped writing on here for awhile because when I got sick a few years ago, it felt like there was a giant eraser that wiped my mind. Cleared out a lot of long term memories and really messed up my short term memory. That included random things like spelling and grammar. It would embarrass me to sit and write and see the difference in myself. So I would delete everything and walk away. But I set a very small goal for myself this year to just write more than I did the year before. I really love writing. And I very obviously love sharing pictures of our wonder child. I hope she gets to read all of this when she grows up and sees how crazy we’ve always been about her.