On Marriage Roles
Introduction
I deeply wish that I was a better writer, and could convey my thoughts on biblical marriage roles in a more organized and concise way. I’ve written, deleted, and rewritten this post 10+ times over the past couple of years. I’ve decided to simply give it my best shot and let it rest.
At the bottom of this post, I’m linking to books and essays on marriage so you can read further, if you feel curious. The authors are far more skilled than I am, with higher education and expertise, and they’ve been helpful to me. I spent many years, on my own, searching for answers to questions about marriage, and how God sees women in general, until finally, in January 2025, I read The Great Sex Rescue by Shelia Wray Gregoire. I was stunned to see a Christian actually talking about everything I had pondered on in silence for so long. It was the first time I had seen another person speak of it. It gave me much needed confidence to continue asking questions that formerly felt wrong and intimidating, and really dig in.
“Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.”
2 Timothy 2:15
“If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.”
James 1:5
Around this time I attempted to speak to church leadership and, separately, a few friends. Ask questions, voice concerns, vent my hurts and anger, discuss thoughts and beliefs, etc. I hoped so much to be able to ask questions and talk to people. I was very quickly shut down. Only one person would truly engage with me, and the rest either ignored me outright, rebuked me, or quickly changed the subject. This was more hurtful than I can express; it felt like a deep betrayal. I’ve come to realize that none of that was out of malice, but out of worry, fear, discomfort over any disagreement, and sometimes simply a miscommunication because I’m not great at expressing myself.
“Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.”
Proverbs 11:14
“Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man's friend by hearty counsel.”
Proverbs 27:9
“Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.”
Proverbs 13:13
I pivoted and made a committed effort to spend the rest of the year reading as much as possible on the subject of biblical marriage which evolved into learning how God sees me as a woman (there is, of course, a lot of overlap).
I felt like I was literally gobbling the Bible up, stuffing it as quickly as possible into my mind and body. There is a story, in the book Bruchko by Bruce Olsen, where he goes to a village deep in the Colombian jungle, where they had never seen a Bible. They had a legend in their village that a false prophet had taken God away from them, but God would return to them through a banana stalk. Bruchko realized one day, after seeing a felled banana tree, that the banana stalk unfurled like the pages of a book and he used it to introduce the Bible to them. When he shows them the Bible, they grab the pages and start eating them, trying to put God into their bellies. It’s frankly such an incredible story. I feel that way sometimes, like I’m stuffing the words of life into my mouth, restoring the faith I lost in God for several years, trying to get it deep into the wounded innermost parts of my belly.
I’m so thankful to the many Christians in God’s family who have taken the time to study, research, and publish their writing in order to help people like me. I have loved learning about Godly marriage, but more importantly, I’ve loved learning how God sees me, His child, married or not.
“And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.”
Jeremiah 29:13
“O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! how unsearchable are his judgments, and his ways past finding out!”
Romans 11:33
“And she called the name of the Lord that spake unto her, Thou God seest me: for she said, Have I also here looked after him that seeth me?”
Genesis 16:13
My cozy reading corner. I listen to Pastor Kurt Skelly (Everyday Truth on Spotify and Youtube), and recently bought several Bible study tools that he recommended having in his Jan 2026 series “How to Get More Out of Bible Reading”. I’m so excited to learn how to use them- right now I just flip through them bewilderedly.
What I was taught and why I disagree with it.
Before I start with this, I would ask you to consider two things.
-It is possible to misunderstand and misinterpret the Bible, even for those of us who feel absolutely certain of ourselves. It’s wise to keep that in mind and let it humble us as we seek God. We need to always be willing to learn more and not assume we know it all.
-The assistant pastor at my home church preached an excellent two part series on repentance recently. He remarked that sometimes we believe what we believe because it’s what we’ve always heard and we’ve never questioned or studied it. I loved that. It has certainly been the case for me regarding marriage and women.
I’ve been taught a plethora of rules on a biblically ordered marriage throughout my life which boils down to this:
“Men and women are biologically different, equal in essence, and separate in function. His role is leadership (like God) and her role is to submit to his leadership (like Jesus). These are complementary roles, and this is the biblical order of the home.”
I strongly disagree with parts of that statement and do not believe all of it aligns with scripture. It was truly gut wrenching and scary for me to come to this conclusion because it goes against everything I’ve ever been taught. It felt contentious and argumentative of me to disagree with my church and a lot of my family. But I could not deny how much it contradicts the scripture, and I also could not deny how negatively the fruit of it has affected my life.
Perhaps another time I’ll write a post on all the ways it has negatively affected me, but for today I will just say that these beliefs were the root cause of my near total loss of faith in God after the birth of my second child. I could not believe in the goodness of God as I watched people suffer so much on earth, nor while I embraced the belief that God created me to be an inferior being with almost no purpose outside of submission to father/pastor/husband, depending on the timeframe. We are created for His pleasure and I believed that if God existed, then he must get great pleasure in watching people, myself included, suffer at the hands of others. And because I fully lacked any root in the Word of God, entirely dependent on my spiritual leaders to tell me what God says and means rather than hearing the Holy Ghost myself, I flitted like a dandelion fluff into the hurricane wind of suicidal postpartum depression, and my faith in God crumbled for two years. My house was built on sinking sand, not wisdom.
Back to the marriage role statement above and the parts I disagree with.
First, submission is not a female only role; it’s an attribute of Christ and applies equally to all Christians. It’s a voluntary response to Christ’s love for us. In many Christian circles, including my own, submission is thought to be far more important for women than for men which has robbed many men of the beauty of Christ-like submission within their marriage.
“Women have a greater issue with submission. This is why God tells wives to submit and not men.”
“A biblical marriage starts with wifely submission. This is just what God says. That’s square one. If you have a problem with it, take it up with God.”
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard those remarks throughout my 42 years. I took it up with God, and found the statements wanting and man made. Many men struggle with submission because they have been taught that it isn’t important for them, and square one is submitting unto each other.
On the scale of marriage, we place a small dollop of submission on the man’s side, and an elephant sized portion on the woman’s side. This scale is out of balance and needs to be rectified. Submission is not effeminate, it’s Godly, and just as love is both masculine and feminine, so is submission. “Wives submit” is sandwiched between verses telling men to submit, too. Eph 5:21 tells us to submit unto each other. Men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church- how did Christ perform that love? By humbling himself to the cross and submitting to the will of the Father. Christ submitted for the church, husbands and wives are to submit unto each other. It should be a day of fear for us when we view this side of Christ only for women, but beneath the importance of men.
“Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.”
Ephesians 5:21-25
“Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.”
1 Peter 5:5
“And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.”
Philippians 2:8
“Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.”
Luke 22:42
Second, irreversible roles of leadership and subordination, based on gender rather than merit or God given gifts, is not equality in essence or anything else. It is a caste system where one person is always under the other. Being under a holy and righteous God is one thing, being under fallible mankind without recourse is another. I do not see this type of domination and control supported by scripture.
In Genesis 3:16 a husband ruling over his wife is an ugly consequence of the fall’s curse. It is not God’s perfect will anymore than the rest of the curse is God’s perfect will. It’s a result of sin; pride to be combatted not embraced.
This is clear in Genesis 1:28-30 where we see God giving Adam and Eve the same roles and the same dominion over the earth, after creating them both in His image.
In Acts 2 the Holy Spirit is sent to men and women equally.
In Galatians 3:28 Paul tells us clearly that there is neither male nor female for we are all one in Christ.
1 Peter 3:7 reminds husbands of the knowledge that their wives are weaker physically and societally (women were particularly vulnerable in the culture of Bible times) and they should be honored as heirs together of the grace of life.
In Revelation 19:7-8, 21:2, 21:9-10, and 22:17 both men and women are the Bride of Christ, and in Revelation 1:6 and 5:10 both men and women are reigning kings and priests.
There are many female leaders in the scripture, placed in those roles by God, having authority over men, and/or alongside men, and many women who righteously defy the ruler over them. Puah and Shiphrah, Jochebed, Miriam, Vashti, Huldah, the Shummanite woman, Deborah, Abigail, Jael, Esther, Lydia, Junia the apostle, Pricilla, Christ’s female disciples, Phoebe, Philip’s daughters, Anna, and more.
In most of these cases, we do not see the men expressing any issues with the women in their lives having authority or leading. Exceptions are the king’s egotistical counselors against Vashti, and churlish Nabal against Abigail. In both cases, those men were very wrong.
We should not doubt God’s wisdom in this, as we navigate our marriages, and label so many Bible women “rare exceptions”. It isn’t very exceptional when there are so many, it’s the rule.
In spite of all this biblical evidence of equality in submission and leadership, we cling steadfastly to “men lead women no matter what and women submit to men no matter what”.
Something to consider:
A man may lead very poorly and it’s “just a learning curve”, a bit of mistake, oops. We must faithfully endure whatever consequences this brings.
But, if a woman leads very well, it’s a sin, unsubmissive, stepping out of God’s will, and usurping man’s authority.
This is illogical and does not align with biblical submission. I think we should be willing to use the minds God graciously gifted us with and think these things through better than we are.
Another consideration:
Marriage roles are a spectrum with some Christians practicing a very oppressive lead/submit dynamic, and others practicing a softer version of it. This is a grey area that no one seems to be able to nail down (red flag). Some Christians say a husband should make all decisions and tell his wife what to wear, what to eat, where to shop, how to decorate the house, what her hobbies should be, when to talk or be quiet, who her friends should be, etc.
Other Christians practice more freedom and the husbands allow the wives to make those decisions for herself, which is considered very gracious of him, and only the “big” decisions are reserved for him. Things like where they will live, what church they will go to, medical decisions, job decisions, money management, etc. They may even make some of those decisions together. But he has the final say, the tiebreaker. I’ve been given this advice a few times,”Men need respect. They have, well, a type of pride, a deep need for respect that women don’t have. Women just need love. That’s one reason God placed men in charge of decisions and one reason you shouldn’t question or nag about things.” I beg your pardon! Men AND women need respect AND love. A stroked ego is not needed by anyone.
I would ask Christians to consider this: Is a little bit of pride better than a whole lot of pride? Or is pride wrong, period? Pride should be replaced with humility and this “final word” mindset should be eliminated. It is possible to work together on all things in a marriage, with respect, honor, and submission toward each other. It requires careful self examination, communication with each other, and humility to do this, but it’s possible (all things are possible with God!).
I believe hierarchy in a marriage relationship promotes pride rather than unity. Christ gives us examples of biblical leadership and it is not about control, being higher or first, making all the decisions, having the last word, driving the bus, or ruling over others. It’s about serving one another, humility, honor, submission, the fruits of the Spirit, and great sacrifice.
“Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.”
Matthew 20:28
“And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all.”
Mark 10:44
“So after he had washed their feet, and had taken his garments, and was set down again, he said unto them, Know ye what I have done to you?
Ye call me Master and Lord: and ye say well; for so I am.
If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another's feet.
For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you.
Verily, verily, I say unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord; neither he that is sent greater than he that sent him.
If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them.”
John 13:12-17
“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”
Matthew 11:29
I view marriage responsibilities (roles), based on what I read in the scripture:
Men and women are created with biological differences, and created equally in the image of God. God is not a respecter of persons (Romans 2:11, Acts 10:34), and we shouldn’t be either. Roles are based on gifts given by God, and the circumstances God’s will places us in. Gifts, given by God, will be complementary and unifing within a marriage when both husband and wife are humbly striving to please the Lord rather than vying for power.
“As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.”
1 Peter 4:10
“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.”
James 1:17
“Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, whether prophecy, let us prophesy according to the proportion of faith;”
Romans 12:6
Only by pride cometh contention and it is absolutely pride when one spouse seeks to dominate and rule over the other spouse; something that not even God himself does to mankind’s God-given free will.
A common piece of advice in marriage books: “If you submit more, there will be peace in your home no matter what your husband does!” Not likely. I agree submission is peaceful, however, husbands, please consider that your quest to have your own way in all things is a lack of humility and that always, always disrupts the peace in a home- even when your wife is submitting faithfully. Stop blaming a submissive wife, turn the eye inward, and remove the beam from your eye. It isn’t funny or godly to be a “bull in a china shop”, crushing the souls around you. In my experience people laugh over this quip, but I cannot because I’ve watched as truly submissive wives weep in the quiet corners, hurt and confused by the bull who thinks it’s more manly to be powerful, than to be Christ-like.
Unity is far more important in a marriage than domination, and unity cannot be had without humility. We may spiritualize the language to make it sound palatable, but it is still pride, and it is a shame to behave this way in our marriages.
“Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.”
Philippians 2:3
“But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.”
James 4:6
“For whosoever exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.”
Luke 14:11
“When pride cometh, then cometh shame: but with the lowly is wisdom.”
Proverbs 11:2
“With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love.”
Ephesians 4:2
How we function in our marriage and why.
Aaron and I have roles within our marriage based on our God given gifts, and the life situations God has placed us in.
In our case, that means Aaron goes to his full time job every day while I take the kids to my part time job and back home for homeschool. I am not able to work a full time job because of chronic illness + Aaron and I agree that having our kids at home, for now, is best for our family.
I handle all money (bills, budget, savings, shopping, etc), and almost all family logistics because I have the greater skill for organization.
Aaron handles our children’s need for imagination play and one on one attention which is an enormous and time consuming job. My one on one time with the kids looks more like reading a book, going for a walk, and things like that. Aaron is skilled at imaginative, super fun play which is a gift I do not possess.
Aaron is better at present focus and more nurturing whereas I am usually preoccupied and struggle to be fully present with our kids. I have to work on this one, daily.
Aaron does almost all heavy work around the house and yard because I cannot physically handle it; he has the greater strength and I have a wonky spine.
I handle almost all cooking because I have more time for it, and more skill than he has. We both hate the job, but someone has to do it and it’s more convenient for me.
I do most housework because I care far more about a clean house than he does. I get very anxious with clutter and untidiness.
Aaron handles gifts for his side of the family, I handle it for my side.
I do all lesson planning and shopping for our evening children’s class at church, but Aaron teaches the class because he likes to, and narcolepsy makes it difficult for me to function in the evenings.
Aaron handles almost all car repairs because I would rather stick a fork in my eye than do it. He files our taxes for the same reason.
I make every doctor appointment and handle all insurance matters because Aaron would rather die than make phone calls.
I make most daily decisions for our family because I am decisive, and Aaron typically likes going with the flow. If it’s something that matters a lot to Aaron, he makes the decision. When it’s a bigger, more complicated decision we make it together (if we can’t agree on something, the decision will typically default to the person who feels the most strongly about it or the person who is most affected by it). There is no “bus driver” or “CEO” in our house unless one of us is being a jerk.
Aaron does most driving and errands because I have medical driving restrictions.
Aaron handles our internet provider, when necessary because I want to scream in terror if I even think about calling them myself.
I handle holiday planning because I love it and no one will take that away from me!
When our kids have friends over, I handle feeding them, and Aaron handles taking them to the park.
When our kids are sick, we both take care of them. When I am sick, Aaron handles the house, cooking, and kids. When Aaron is sick, I handle it.
When our girls get up during the night, whoever wakes up first is the one to get up with the girls. The only exception to that was when I was breastfeeding because Aaron couldn’t do that himself (pity!).
Our roles look mostly traditional from the outside, but lack the hierarchy that I have always been taught is necessary to truly please the Lord in marriage. I, as a wife, am not trapped against my will and better judgment in a role of unquestioning obedience if my husband, a fallible, regular human being and sinner like myself, happens to make terrible decisions or leads poorly. I do not need to feel guilt when I stand up for myself or what is right in the eyes of God. And Aaron does not believe himself above the submission exemplified by Christ, or too superior to learn from or come alongside me in decisions and spiritual things.
Many Christians would consider our marriage dynamic outside of God’s will. I am not meek and quiet (silent) enough. I am possibly “wearing the pants” and poor Aaron is likely “henpecked”. Where is his rough man’s man, John Wayne like spirit? Where is the Command Man that Debi Pearl salivates over in Created to be His Help Meet (in the trash can where it belongs. I feel very strongly about this one.)? These things weighed heavily on me for many years of marriage as I carried deep guilt over being too vocal, too opinionated, and just generally too much. I was a pendulum; if I needed to stand up for myself or just speak up loud and clear, I would then cry myself to sleep believing I had displeased God, determining that I would be nothing but silent (meek and quiet) going forward. I felt anxiety toward Aaron for not being decisive enough, too tender, too happy to listen to me. Confused because he wasn’t being everything the church and marriage books told me he should be: The Big Decision Maker. I thank God for removing those scales from my eyes.
What I see in the scripture on marriage roles.
My first point is the longest.
My therapist told me that she had a mental image of herself, during seasons of hardship and struggle, clinging to Jesus’s robe with one hand while the rest of her body just flapped frantically about in the wind. I relate to this so much! My own mental image is me in a white out blizzard, Little House on the Prairie style, clinging to the rope that connects the house to the barn, my other hand blindly reaching out into the blizzard trying desperately to land somewhere solid. This point was my first solid grasp, lessening the raging, confusing blizzard of doubt and fear toward God that I held within. Once I had this first point settled, it was a launchpad for the rest and my faith slowly returned as I learned about God.
“And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13 (I really love this verse. Banana stalk.)
1) “For there is one God, and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus.”
1 Timothy 2:5
Aaron is not my mediator to God, nor am I his. God does not speak to my husband alone so that then Aaron can guide us in his lofty job of bus driver/CEO/tie breaker vote. God does not speak to Aaron about really important matters and then to me about lesser matters. God speaks to us both, and as one flesh (Gen 2:24), Aaron and I are a team in the guidance of our home. We both have the indwelling Holy Spirit (John 14:26), and we both have prayer lives (Romans 8:26) and understanding of the scripture (Proverbs 2:2-5). We both seek God and hunger after righteousness (Matthew 5:6).
We equally contribute to the spiritual well being of our home, and we have an equal responsibility to steward our own relationships with the Lord and, in turn, steward our relationships with each other.
For this reason my husband is not my “spiritual leader”. “Umbrella authority” is wrong. This is a misinterpretation of the scripture and gives husbands a misplaced spiritual authority that is Christ’s alone, placing men between God and women. This places a heavy burden on men which they cannot faithfully bear, and it strips women of a direct relationship with God; watering it down to “ask your husband” rather than God.
Can Aaron spiritually lead me? Yes! Absolutely! Can I spiritually lead him? Also yes! The term spiritual leader is almost exclusively used in one direction (husband as spiritual leader of wife) and the rules of conduct attached to it almost always come between a wife and God, and that is what I take issue with.
No one has ever said to me,”Your husband is your mediator to God instead of Christ.” It’s been framed differently.
Here are a handful of things that have been said directly to me by various leadership throughout my life, and which support placing male authority between myself and God:
“God will not tell you anything that He does not first tell your husband.”
“God will reveal to your husband all the plans for your life as a married couple.”
This is not scriptural, it does not exist in the Bible. God speaks to me directly and this is clear in the scripture. God does not speak to my husband only, and then speak to me only through Aaron’s leadership. Aaron is not my priest.
“I preach to the men so they can go home and teach their wives.”
This is not biblical. Women are capable of learning through preaching, and their spiritual needs should be considered in sermon preparation and church functions. Women are capable of more than a milky devotional book (nothing wrong with devotionals, but there is more than that for women).
“Men, statistically, have more influence over the spiritual well being of their family. Wives, of course, matter in the home as well (remember Lois and Eunice), but men you need to realize how important you are in your home. When you follow the Lord, your family has a statistically greater chance of following the Lord with you. A chance they don’t, statistically, have with your wife.”
This teaching does not exist in the scripture. Here is a link refuting this erroneous but commonly repeated “statistic”:The Myth of the 93%
“I can learn more from reading one verse than you can learn reading the entire Bible.”
A humble heart seeking the Lord, male or female, can learn just as much as any leadership; more if the leadership is prideful. Learning things of the Lord is not relegated to one gender nor to leadership.
Not a statement, but an action: When I had doctrinal questions, some concerns, and issues that I took to church leadership, as I mentioned earlier in this post, I was ignored and instead Aaron was addressed without me. When Aaron suggested that I be spoken to instead, it was not done. Telling me very clearly that whatever concerns and questions I may have are irrelevant and my husband, as my “authority”, is worth speaking to when I am not. This is not scriptural. God gave me eyes to see, ears to hear, a mouth with which to speak, a heart to seek, and a brain to think.
“You need to just trust God and obey your husband. When you obey your husband and submit to him, you are obeying and submitting to God.”
No, this is idolatry. Aaron is not God. It is more biblical to say it this way,”Seek the Lord with your husband. Once you’ve found the Lord’s will, obey and submit together. The Lord blesses faithful obedience in both of you. Obey and trust God before your spouse.”
“You think you can learn on your own, at home? Well. How is that going for you?”
Slow, but very well.
“Your husband is responsible for you. He will answer to God for you one day. That’s why he’s your spiritual leader- God will hold him accountable for you.”
Many like to use Hebrews 13:17 for this, but I do not believe it applies in a marriage (please read here for more info)- husbands are not king, God, president, pastor, Holy Spirit, commanding general, or boss of their wives (even in those cases, we are not enslaved by God to blind obedience of rulers).
Aaron will give account for himself. He will not give account for me. I am not his little child, I am not his employee, I am his help meet. We are each responsible for how we steward our own relationships with the Lord and we will each give account for ourselves only.
We can be a discouragement to each other, or even a stumbling block. I can be led astray by him, and he can be led astray by me. Nonetheless, if I allow myself to be led astray, I will answer to God for that myself, and Aaron will answer only for his own actions. This idea that husband’s rule wives and therefore bear greater responsibility is unfair and heavy for men and women alike. I do not have a get-out-of-jail-free card. I will not be able to stand before God one day and say,”Aaron told me to do the wrong thing so it’s not my fault.” Adam and Eve tried that in the garden of Eden, but God did not accept it.
“For it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God.
So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.
Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way.”
Romans 14:11-13
The incorrect teaching of “God leads men, men lead women” has been the single largest hinderance to my relationship with God. It fleeced me of any confidence in my ability to hear directly from God, my ability to discern the scripture with help from the Holy Spirit, and caused me to believe, for all of my life, that God created men with a superior understanding of holy things that I could never partake in. I thought I must always depend on male leadership to guide my relationship with God, and I felt very angry with God for creating me so deficiently and so far away from Him. I have been so relieved and thankful to learn that this is not how God created me, and it is not written in His word.
I emphatically repeat: Christ is a woman’s only spiritual authority and mediator just as He is the only spiritual authority and mediator over men. Christ is the only mediator of anyone; man, woman, or child. We are not mediators for our family members; we are examples and stewards for our children, encouragers and counselors for each other.
2) “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”
Matthew 6:33
God tells Eve, as he lists the consequences of the curse,”Thy desire shall be to thy husband,” Gen 3:16.
I believe this ties in with Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35,”But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord:
But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.
There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.
And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.”
It’s a struggle to put God first in our marriages (and in parenting sometimes). This is the curse: thy desire shall be to thy husband. We must die to self daily. Aaron and I are both to seek first the kingdom of God in daily worship, meditation, prayer, studying to show ourselves approved, and thankfulness.
Matthew 22:37-40 puts this best. God first, then each other.
“Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
This is the first and great commandment.
And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.”
3) “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.”
Proverbs 27:17
In Genesis 2:18, God says,”And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” This is after the animals come to Adam for naming, each coming with a companion. This is the only thing that God says is “not good” in his creation. Adam needed a companion, which even the animals had. Help meet is frequently reduced to “God thought it was not good for Adam to not have a servant to cook, clean, and bear children”, but this is not what the Bible says and it’s out of balance to reduce help meet to that one role only when God himself says “It’s not good for Adam to be alone”.
I believe communication is an imperative, non-negotiable part of marriage, and a large part of the role of help meet. I am Aaron’s companion and he is mine, one flesh, knitted hearts. We are friends, sharpening each other in the communication of the Word of God. Showing ourselves friendly to each other by speaking the truth in love (not to be confused with speaking the truth in malice which comes far more naturally to us all). Striving together against corrupt communication, deceit, malice, and unsound doctrine. Striving together toward tenderness, kindness, and forgiveness in our words and thoughts toward each other. This aids unity between us and strengthens our understanding of each other.
This is something I have heard many times, from many Christians,”A husband can’t tell his wife everything. It’s his burden to bear the heavier things. Best to keep her unaware.”
Perhaps there is nuance to this, depending on personalities and the level of emotional maturity. Milk vs meat may be necessary for a time. However, for the most part, I do not agree with this from the husband to the wife, nor the wife to the husband. It minimizes communication between husband and wife, and it demeans the wife’s (or husband’s if the wife is guilty of this) intelligence and spirit. It deprives the sheltered person of the opportunity to grow in maturity.
“A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.”
Proverbs 18:24
“For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.”
Hebrews 4:13
“Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ:
That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive;
But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ.”
Ephesians 4:13-15
“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.”
Ephesians 4:29-32
4) “This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh.”
Galatians 5:16
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.”
Galatians 5:22-23
“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
2 Timothy 1:7
“Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.
Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;
And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”
Ephesians 6:10-17
These attributes and admonishments are all for husbands and wives, both. The Bible does not parse these out, some given to husbands and some to wives. Love for men, meekness for women, power for men, longsuffering for women, sound mind for men, gentleness for women, strength for men, peace for women.
One I commonly hear: Protection for men, as though women have no instinct to protect their families when God compares himself to a mama bear (Hosea 13:8), and nurturing for women, as though men have no instinct to nurture their families when God our Father is certainly nurturing to his children and commands fathers to be so too (Eph 6:4).
This is not what the scripture says. Neither should we chop and dice the Word of God in our marriages.
It limits God in our relationships, places a yoke of bondage on our shoulders, and deprives us all of the many beautiful gifts the Spirit liberally gives us. If we walk in the Spirit, His fruit will shine naturally out; the mark of a personal relationship with the Lord which every husband and wife should humbly strive for. We are both to be strong in the Lord.
Resources
Terms to know (I hadn’t heard of either 2 years ago):
Complementarianism is what most of my church, friends, and family believe on marriage.
Egalitarianism is what I believe on marriage.
Two long and pretentious sounding words but it’s what the doctrines are called out in the wild. I prefer hierarchy and mutualism because they are more direct, honest labels, in my opinion.
I have, several times, been given excellent marriage advice by good friends and family- people who verbally believe in complementarianism but in action practice egalitarianism in their marriages. That paradox was thought provoking for me for years as I watched and admired them so much. I want to point this out because I worry this post may make it sound like I’ve never received good, godly advice by my friends and family but that is far from true. The truth is that although much of the advice and instruction I’ve been given has been unwittingly incorrect, it’s usually given with deep love and care for me. Good advice has been given too, and I don’t want to skip acknowledging that. In particular, my in laws and another older couple in my church have been so helpful for me. I’m thankful for the good, real life marriage examples I have, even while disagreeing on many things, and I point those relationships out to my children so they can learn from them.
I want to write so much more, but since I’ve reached epistle length, I’ll leave you with the promised links to books and essays, and sign off for now. I discovered Substack a couple months ago, and was MIND BLOWN by all the like minded Christians there. Most essays linked here are from Substack.
Books I’ve read and loved:
The first three books are by Shelia Wray Gregoire. Shelia is fed up with Christian marriage books and doesn’t mind letting you know it. Very relatable. She’s on Substack as well. Her books are heavy with graphs and statistics, some of which I read and some I skipped. I appreciate the years of hard work they put into their remarkable surveys.
-The Great Sex Rescue. Life altering for me!
-She Deserves Better. Eye opening. I was taught purity culture and because of it attempted suicide after premarital sex 16 years ago. I fully believed I had lost my “greatest treasure” and was damaged goods, never to be used by God again. I believed that no good Christian man would ever want me, and was shocked by Aaron’s chill response when I told him I was forevermore impure- a shredded paper heart, torn and bruised long stem rose, chewed up and spat out Oreo cookie that youth leaders used to show me, and friends, what God sees in the event of fornication. I really believed Aaron would drop me like a hot potato and go search for an untainted Oreo instead.
-The Marriage You Want. So helpful and practical.
-Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. A thought provoking perspective of fair work balance in the home. Secular, not Christian.
-How God Sees Women by Terran Williams. Most helpful to me of all these books, but a very slow read. Terran is a former complementarian who changed his views when his church (he was one of the pastors) asked him to review and study their marriage beliefs.
-Genesis to Junia by Preston Sprinkle. Very conversational and easy to read. Preston is a former complementarian and wrote this book in real time as he studied the complementarian/egalitarian debate.
-Her Story, Her Strength by Sarah Parker Rubio. This one is a children’s book! I bought it recently to read to my girls and have LOVED it so far. But if you feel short on time, or you dislike reading, just start with this one. Short, easy to read stories about 50 women of the Bible.
Essays:
Created to be His Trad Wife. I breathe fire reading any of Micheal and Debi Pearl’s books. I thought they were great as a teenager and in early adulthood. I was shocked when I tried reading them again as a wife and mother. I may take it a bit personally because they are so dreadful and yet are the books that have been most recommended to me for marriage and parenting.
Are Women Sinning if They Expect Things of Their Husband?
5 Myths of Male Headship. I love Terran’s view of the headship verses in chapter 6 of How God Sees Women, as well. It’s far more in depth than this short essay, with more information. Chapters 7&8 in Genesis to Junia dig into this, too.
6 Things Egalitarian Marriage is Not. It is NOT “men and woman are the same”, nor is it a knock against wifely submission which is necessary and good.
Resources About Women and the Bible
Making Patriarchy Pretty: How Christian Social Media Sells Patriarchy. It’s bonkers when she changes the graphics.
The Garden Before the Curse: What God Actually Designed. I long for the unity and beauty of Eden. Chapter 4 in How God Sees Women discusses Adam and Eve in Eden and I cried the whole chapter. Then reread it 6 more times.
Does the Bible Say Women Can’t Lead Men?
More Than Preaching is at Stake for Women in the 1 Timothy 2 Battleground. Chapter 10 in Genesis to Junia and chapter 7 in How God Sees Women give more perspectives for this passage.
Artemis in the City of Ephesus
The Whole Big Story of Why Women Must Preach and Teach in Church
Man is Head Except in Bed? Lol @ this title.
Paul Told Husbands to Love Their Wives- Not Pastor Them
The Biblical Basis of Egalitarianism in 500 Words. Concise. Something I am not capable of.
Dismantling the Patriarchy with the Bible. Part 1: “Wives Submit To Your Husbands.”
I believe it’s important to look at both sides of this. The resources above are all written from an egalitarian perspective. The next link is to a complementarian website by Scott LaPierre. It’s my personal favorite of all complementarian resources even though I strongly disagree with him. He writes in a very no nonsense way (for someone writing something that I think is nonsense, haha!). I get a humble vibe from him and I appreciate that spirit.
This link gives a concise summary of what complementarianism is: Theopedia Complementarianism
You can also watch Mike Winger’s Youtube if you enjoy extra long videos. Not for me but any clips I’ve seen are thoughtful even though, again, I strongly disagree with him on marriage roles.
A group of Christians, including John Piper, invented the term complementarianism in the 1980’s and they generally corralled the doctrine into what we know it as today (may they all step on a lego). Here is a link to one of John Piper’s OG books and another link to the Danvers Statement.
-Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood
If you, readers, have questions, I am open to discussion and will answer as best as I can. I don’t have answers for everything, but will truly do my best.
If you feel I am wrong on certain points, show me the scripture you base that on; I would genuinely love to see and hear. Maybe I AM wrong. I’m currently trying to practice respectful and kind disagreement and this will be good for me. I mean that sincerely! It’s super hard for me to do and I hope to grow out of that flaw.
Thank you for sticking with me to the end of this incredibly long post. It was impossible for me to write it for so long, but today I woke up and it all but fell out of my brain by itself so I guess today was the right day for it. The Bible instructs us to rightly divide the word of truth, and I hope something I’ve written here today helps you to do that.
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