Wrestling (Guiltily) with Questions

 I have a lot of questions about the Bible. I wonder why we believe a lot of what we believe about God- how and why we interpret the scripture as we do on many things. I don’t wonder about everything I believe in, but I do wonder about a lot of it. Some things feel absolute and firm because they make sense. Other things provoke questions because they don’t add up based on the knowledge I have. Some questions feel small to me, easy to answer. Others feel much bigger, difficult and time consuming to answer. 

I had many questions about how God sees me as a woman, and how that applies to my role as a wife and mother which took me what felt like forever to answer (I’ve written about that here).

I have questions about what God honoring parenting looks like.

I have questions about God’s character.

I have questions about the KJV and why we are so adamantly against other translations + using Greek and Hebrew.

I have questions about helping the poor and fighting for justice for the oppressed.

I have questions about how to walk the tense line of Christian values within politics.

I have questions about many individual verses and why we interpret them the way we do.

I have questions about many bible stories and the way we read into them. 

I have many questions on how to study the Bible, learning the context of history, culture, etc.

Growing up, both in home and at church, questions were frowned upon. They were considered rebellious, stubborn, and contentious. They were viewed as an attack against authority. 

(Edited to add a link to this essay: Name How Things Are 

The author discusses red flags in a cult. Although I wasn’t raised in a cult, her points still apply to the high control, legalistic environment I was raised in. She touches on the way questions are viewed in this type of church/home setting, and I found it helpful.)

We could not ask why we did things or why we believed certain things. We could not ask about standards, convictions, or rules. We were to accept it, unquestioning, so as not to be contentious or threatening. 

I was taught that the heart is deceitful and any questions (or disagreements) I may have had somehow stemmed from being deceived into thinking I might know things on my own. 

I doubt that every person in my childhood circles aligned with these beliefs, it’s just what I had the most exposure to and I was unaware of anyone feeling differently. I was recently talking to a friend, who was taught the same things, and we marveled at how long it has taken us both to shake that foolishness off- to learn that it’s okay to question God and leaders, and to believe that our hearts can be clean and pure before God as David said in scripture.

I believe strongly that a handful of people in my formative years were prideful and taught this maliciously with intent to control those under them, but I believe just as strongly that most other people didn’t know what they were saying. “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Jesus said that on the cross about a murderous mob. This is so astonishing and has really made me stop and ponder. I don’t believe Jesus was excusing their hate and murder; I think they were all held accountable for their actions. But Jesus was acknowledging the facts: they didn’t know the full import of their actions. And, significant, Jesus was ready to forgive them.

That’s how I view a lot of the very wrong and bizarre things I was taught growing up (and still hear occasionally in adulthood from people who have not yet examined their beliefs). Yes, some people had ill intent, but so many more simply knew not and were unwitting. They were kind hearted and trying their best, and I can know this by the good fruit in their lives. They were no different than I have been, asking no questions and receiving no answers. All of us have been guilty of glibness and ignorantly repeating things we know nothing about. All of us have been guilty of doing things we were certain was right, only to discover later that it was wrong. I cringe at the memory of some of things I have blithely repeated over the years. I said and did many damaging and erroneous things, but I had no idea I was doing that. In spite of ignorance, I still must give an account of myself. Consequences still happen even when we have good intentions. Good intentions are not a replacement for doing the right thing. But knowing this about myself helps me to have more patience and compassion towards people who have misinformed me about God and the scripture. 

“Questions are bad” was drilled into my belief system firmly enough that I have never thought to question it for most of my life. Layering on top of this, as an adult, I would ask questions and receive well meaning platitudes. Years ago, I asked a friend about a bible story,”Why did God respond this way? It seems bizarre that God would act like this. There must be a reason that I’m not seeing.” And the answer was,”You just need to trust God even if you don’t understand him”, and the conversation was fully over. They didn’t mean it this way, but I felt throughly rebuked at the time. I had dared ask a question about God’s behavior. I should know better. This has happened several times over the years with several different people. I need to stress that it was not rudeness or cruelty toward me in any of these instances! It was just likely the only answer they knew to give and it was an answer they were content with for themselves. It sort of backed up to me, though, that I should not ask questions. They had no way of knowing that, however.

Because of this background, I felt a lot of guilt and insecurity about not only losing faith in God, but also for not being able to believe hardly anything without a horde of questions. This was a big hurdle to overcome. Questioning God felt like a burden of rebellion. It scared me. Faith should be blind, I thought. If I just had a mustard seed of blind faith all the burden of questions and doubts would disappear, and I could robotically believe in God again, really fast, just like that *snap*. Faith as a mustard seed allows us to move mountains, and I had/have a mountain of questions. 

It’s hard to examine the things that make up my whole identity, the things I base everything about myself in. It was extremely difficult to let loose of the guilt over this. To stop feeling like a very bad, faithless, rebellious, questioning person. I felt all these niggling worries over it; my brain whispering to me “contentious… clamorous… doubting… oh ye of little faith… the heart is deceitful… itching ears… rebellion… poor judgement.”

It doesn’t feel that way anymore, now it feels like a gift from God. Now when I have a question, I feel excited and challenged, and rarely feel guilt or fear. God will answer me.  I need only ask, seek, search, study, ask again. This is where my faith lies right now: God will answer me over time and help put my doubts to rest.

The first time I thought that maybe, just maybe, questions aren’t actually bad was when I had my own kids. Kids have a way of teaching us, don’t they! We think of ourselves as their teachers, but this is a solidly two way street of teaching and learning. They asked me 1 million questions per day, and it was not rebellious or deceitful at all. Although annoying at times when I am tired or overwhelmed, for the most part I love to give them all the answers I can. I take genuine delight in their incredible and inquisitive minds, and do not feel threatened when they challenge me with questions.

Matthew 18:3 tells us to be like little children, and little children ask questions. I am certain, without doubt, that when the little children came to Christ and the disciples tried to shoo them away, they were asking Jesus one question after another as all kids do. 

“And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.”

Over time, I began noticing one thing after another, in the Bible, about wrestling and questioning, fear and doubt, and a loss of faith. Learning more about God’s character helped me to finally shake free of believing that questions are contentious or rebellious.  God seems to delight in questions- something I never knew about him before. 

I don’t really seek these things out. They just continually pop up and I don’t think it’s a coincidence. I believe it is God meeting me where I am at, as he is wont to do. Each time I have stumbled upon something about faith, specifically a lack of faith, and people asking questions of God, it’s a mustard seed. Such a tiny speck. And each speck puts out strong roots that break apart the mountain of questions and doubts, slowly moving it.

In John 8:32, Jesus says we can know the truth and the truth will make us free. An investigator learns the truth by asking questions. We ask questions of each other to have a better understanding of the people in our lives. Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. I don’t think we can really know the Truth without asking questions of the things we believe. 

Matthew 7:7-8

“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.”

In Matthew 22:37, Jesus says to love God with all our heart, soul, and mind. We have to use our mind in order to love him with it. It can’t bear good fruit if it’s sitting empty, stagnant, and rotting. I think this means using my mind to study. It means thinking critically with my mind, the one God gave me to think with. It means asking questions and seeking answers. It means working my brain muscle. I believe common sense and logic come from God as a part of wisdom and discernment, and we should employ our minds to these things.

I follow a woman on Substack who has been a life long atheist, with absolutely no background in Christianity. She knows nothing at all about the Bible. She woke up a few weeks ago with questions about God. Is this the Holy Spirit pulling or what?!!! She bought a Bible. She is now studying the Bible with her niece (it sounds like her niece is not a Christian but is interested in her aunt’s transformation). Her husband is a former Catholic, and she mentioned that he will occasionally help her find verses in her new Bible that he thinks she should read. Right now all this woman does is post questions about God and the Bible. She has not accepted salvation, but she is fully seeking God. It’s absolutely incredible to me. She has childlike faith that God will answer every question and doubt, over time.

In Beth Moore’s memoir, All My Knotted Up Life, she mentions how even after a life time of reading and studying the Bible, she will still come across things that make her slap the table top. I laughed so much reading that because I do the same thing! I will read something that I’ve already read a hundred times and suddenly see it in a new light. Or even just read something that is unfamiliar to me, and wonder if God slipped a totally new verse into the Bible during the night. I’ll sit up straight and yell,”WHAT!” and slap the table or arm rest. A lot of the things below made me slap the table top.

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When you think of Thomas, the disciple, what do you think of first? I think of his doubt. Doubting Thomas. Jesus had to reprimand him for his lack of faith. I have always viewed this harshly. I’ve always viewed his doubt as an example of what not to be. I do believe that to have faith is better than to not have faith. Of course! I want faith and am happy to be able to say that I do finally have a mustard seed. I relate to the father who cries out for help in Mark 9:24. I noticed, though, that Christ does not condemn him for his lack of faith. When the father asks for help, Christ gives it instead of condemning his lack. 

“Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.

And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.

When Jesus saw that the people came running together, he rebuked the foul spirit, saying unto him, Thou dumb and deaf spirit, I charge thee, come out of him, and enter no more into him.

And the spirit cried, and rent him sore, and came out of him: and he was as one dead; insomuch that many said, He is dead.

But Jesus took him by the hand, and lifted him up; and he arose.”

The cry of the father always puts a lump in my throat. He’s so desperate for help and I recognize that desperation. God says to ask and he will give liberally. Seek and ye shall find. I have struggled to believe that a lot of the time. I love that last verse so much. Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him up; and he arose. And he arose. Jesus did this for the child, yes, but in so doing, with such compassion, he helped the unbelief of the father. Every word of this story is like the scent of rain after a dry spell.

I was looking for the story of Christ raising Lazarus from the dead the other day. As I read the chapter, it wasn’t Mary, Martha, and Lazarus that stood out to me. It was Thomas’s part. Doubting Thomas. Thomas of such little faith, Thomas who did not believe, Thomas who questioned the disciple’s story. Look at what he does here.

 

John 11:5-8

“Now Jesus loved Martha, and her sister, and Lazarus.

When he had heard therefore that he was sick, he abode two days still in the same place where he was.

Then after that saith he to his disciples, Let us go into Judaea again.

His disciples say unto him, Master, the Jews of late sought to stone thee; and goest thou thither again?”

The disciples were scared of being murdered if they went to help Lazarus. I can’t blame them for this. We know how the story ends, after all, and it does end in death on the cross. But Jesus explains that he is going, in spite of the danger, and he will help Lazarus no matter what. Lazarus whom he loves.

And then in verse 16, Thomas is just extraordinary.

“Then said Thomas, which is called Didymus, unto his fellowdisciples, Let us also go, that we may die with him.”

Oh, Thomas!! I love you! Why is Thomas known more for his doubt than his courage?! He’s willing to go to the death, he will not leave Christ’s side for the sake of safety, and he encourages the other disciples to follow his bravery. I am amazed that I have read the Bible for so many years without truly seeing Thomas in this moment. I flipped the pages over to the moment of Thomas’s doubt and read it with new eyes, with more compassion, without the harshness with which I have always read this story.

“But Thomas, one of the twelve, called Didymus, was not with them when Jesus came.

The other disciples therefore said unto him, We have seen the Lord. But he said unto them, Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into his side, I will not believe.

And after eight days again his disciples were within, and Thomas with them: then came Jesus, the doors being shut, and stood in the midst, and said, Peace be unto you.

Then saith he to Thomas, Reach hither thy finger, and behold my hands; and reach hither thy hand, and thrust it into my side: and be not faithless, but believing.

And Thomas answered and said unto him, My Lord and my God.

Jesus saith unto him, Thomas, because thou hast seen me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.”

Do you see the similarities in how Jesus responds to the father and Thomas? The father cries out and Jesus meets him where he is at and heals his child. Thomas does not believe, and Jesus offers him exactly what he asked for: Reach hither thy finger, reach hither thy hand. Jesus takes the time to remind them both that to believe is best, but also that he is there to increase their faith by helping them. He understands that they are only human. Thomas’s humbled response to Jesus makes my heart well,”My Lord and my God.” Faith restored! I want to shout it out!

I see this all over the Bible now. People crying out in disbelief and bitterness, questioning the things they know or have been told, but God swoops in and woos them with love.

Job’s wife is another person whom I have always viewed with harshness. Curse God and die. This is all I think of when I consider Job’s wife. 

She mistrusted God, faith eaten by gluttonous bitterness and deep sorrow over her devastating losses, despising and blaming Job along with his friends and surviving household.

Job 19:13-19

“He hath put my brethren far from me, and mine acquaintance are verily estranged from me.

My kinsfolk have failed, and my familiar friends have forgotten me.

They that dwell in mine house, and my maids, count me for a stranger: I am an alien in their sight.

I called my servant, and he gave me no answer; I intreated him with my mouth.

My breath is strange to my wife, though I intreated for the children's sake of mine own body.

Yea, young children despised me; I arose, and they spake against me.

All my inward friends abhorred me: and they whom I loved are turned against me.”

But then by the end of the book, we see that Job has 10 more children with his wife. God has proved himself to her just as he has to Job, not because he has to, but because he wants to. God wants to help us. I wish there was more about her included in the story. 

Look at all the disciples here; it isn’t just Thomas who had his doubts. 

Mark 4:38-40

“And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish?

And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.

And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?”

Carest thou not? Curse God and die. Except I shall see. 

Here is what David says, in some of his worst moments. Moments of fear, sorrow, and doubt. Moments of depression and anxiety.

Psalm 22:1-2

“My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring?

O my God, I cry in the day time, but thou hearest not; and in the night season, and am not silent.”

These are the words that Jesus quotes on the cross in Matthew 27:46.

“And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?”

Psalm 42

Verses 1-3

“As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God.

My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God: when shall I come and appear before God?

My tears have been my meat day and night, while they continually say unto me, Where is thy God?”

Verses 9-10

“I will say unto God my rock, Why hast thou forgotten me? why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?

As with a sword in my bones, mine enemies reproach me; while they say daily unto me, Where is thy God?”

You only pant and thirst when you are already dehydrated. David is dusty dry, cotton mouth parched, and he is longing to fix it. Tears have been his meat day and night. He is seeking and searching. Where is thy God? Has he… forsaken you? Why hast thou forgotten me, God my rock? This refrain of doubt is continued in the next chapters.

Psalm 43:2

“For thou art the God of my strength: why dost thou cast me off? why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”

You are the God of my strength! So why am I cast off and mourning oppression? My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?

Psalm 44:9 & 15 & 23-24

“But thou hast cast off, and put us to shame; and goest not forth with our armies.”

“My confusion is continually before me, and the shame of my face hath covered me.”

“Awake, why sleepest thou, O Lord? arise, cast us not off for ever.

Wherefore hidest thou thy face, and forgettest our affliction and our oppression?”

Why sleepest thou, O Lord, arise. This nearly echoes the disciples. Carest thou not that we perish? Why are you sleeping on a pillow? I certainly relate to his confusion and shame in verse 15. 

The beautiful thing with these Psalms is David’s constant ability to correct himself, encourage himself. As he expresses his doubts, asking questions of God, he also reminds himself of the truth. 

Psalm 43:3

“O send out thy light and thy truth: let them lead me; let them bring me unto thy holy hill, and to thy tabernacles.” 

Send out thy light and truth. They will lead me. So beautiful!

Psalm 44:21

“Shall not God search this out? for he knoweth the secrets of the heart.”

I love this one. When I felt the need to hide my lack of faith from others, God searched it out. He already knew. When I had my own experience of “Curse God and die”, he was ready with his hands and his side. Put hither your hand, Sunny. When I asked if he cared that I perished, he showed me his care in life and in the word.

Jacob was understandably fearful, in Genesis 32, considering his past contention with Esau. He took this fear to God, reminded God of his promises,  and not long afterward he and the Lord wrestled. This story is the full circle. Fear, anxiety, going to the Lord, wrestling, tenacity, and victory. With the scar of the wrestling still there, always a reminder of that hard time.

Verses 7-12

“Then Jacob was greatly afraid and distressed: and he divided the people that was with him, and the flocks, and herds, and the camels, into two bands;

And said, If Esau come to the one company, and smite it, then the other company which is left shall escape.

And Jacob said, O God of my father Abraham, and God of my father Isaac, the Lord which saidst unto me, Return unto thy country, and to thy kindred, and I will deal well with thee:

I am not worthy of the least of all the mercies, and of all the truth, which thou hast shewed unto thy servant; for with my staff I passed over this Jordan; and now I am become two bands.

Deliver me, I pray thee, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau: for I fear him, lest he will come and smite me, and the mother with the children.

And thou saidst, I will surely do thee good, and make thy seed as the sand of the sea, which cannot be numbered for multitude.”

Verses 24-30

“And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day.

And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob's thigh was out of joint, as he wrestled with him.

And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.

And he said unto him, What is thy name? And he said, Jacob.

And he said, Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel: for as a prince hast thou power with God and with men, and hast prevailed.

And Jacob asked him, and said, Tell me, I pray thee, thy name. And he said, Wherefore is it that thou dost ask after my name? And he blessed him there.

And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: for I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.”

Israel wrestled with God, and has seen God face to face yet has been preserved. I love that he says that- for I have seen God face to face. It takes me straight to Hagar in Genesis 16:13

“And she called the name of the Lord that spake unto her, Thou God seest me: for she said, Have I also here looked after him that seeth me?” In her time of trouble and abuse, God saw her. Cared for her. Although this story doesn’t talk about doubting God or a lack of faith, it does show the care of God when we feel most alone and deserted, deep in trouble. Jacob saw God face to face when he was scared, and God sees Hagar when she is running from hurt. 

Look at God going after them, seeking them, helping them.

Look at Jesus helping those with such little faith. 

Through these stories, I have felt more secure in God’s good character and in his love for me.

Now when I ask questions, wrestle with beliefs, and have doubts and fears and little faith, I look at these stories and feel the fretting guilt drop away. God searches my heart. He sees me. It’s okay to wrestle. God blesses it. It’s okay to question God. He has the answers. I can see now that faith must be built, not assumed, and part of the building process is asking question upon question, and finding answer upon answer. Line upon line. Brick by brick. Wisdom hath builded her house.