February 16, 2013

shark week

Leah and Lucy spent the night with me last night, and right now they're upstairs watching Shark Week.
They love that show. I love it too... although I do have the tendency to flinch, shudder, and cover my eyes every time I see a shark attack coming. One time, there was this little albatross floating happily in the ocean waters and I was all, Look! A happy little birdie!  And I was happy because the birdie was happy. And then suddenly... shark attack. And then all that was left were a few bloody feathers floating on the water. And I was like, Whaaa? Why are we WATCHING this?

Did you know the movie Jaws was actually inspired by the first recorded shark attacks in America? Some shark went crazy and started killing people off the coast of New Jersey. Up to that point people actually thought sharks were fairly friendly, and were extremely surprised to learn they'd come right up to shore and start chewing on the first human they saw.

Did you know Florida has the most recorded shark attacks in the world? I will never look at those beautiful white beaches the same again.

Also, did you know, according to Shark Week, that the average man has testosterone levels of about 40 ng/ml? And that the average bull shark's testosterone levels are at about 900 ng/ml? Hence a shark's crazy aggression and anger management issues. They have problems.

Which brings me to my point.
The whole time I sat there watching Shark Week with the girls, I kept thinking about how those poor shark's brains were spazzing out with all their hormone levels and it reminded me of myself. And I was all, That's totally me when I'm PMSing! I too, occasionally, want to rip people's legs off! 
(I'm sorry if me saying PMSing grossed you out.)
I now feel a connection to sharks everywhere in the world. I understand them. No wonder they run around gnawing unsuspecting people's legs off. No wonder they eat poor little albatrosses floating in the water. They can't help it. 

Here's me on a normal day:


And then here's me during Shark Week:


One day I'm all, I just love today. I think I'll go make cinnamon rolls and veg out on Pinterest. And I can mentally hear Disney music playing in the background.
And then the next day I'm all, KILL ALL THE PEOPLE AND RIP THE STUFFING OUT OF MY PILLOWS. And all I can hear in the background is the theme song from Psycho.

Innocent bystander: Isn't it a lovely day?
Shark me: I kill you.

Innocent bystander: Do you need help? And by help, I mean therapy.
Shark me: I kill you.

Innocent bystander: Would you like some coffee?
Shark me: Yes... then I kill you.

And lovely bonus, by the end of the day I'll go from shark to blubbering mess:


It's wonderful. I bet you wish you were me and had hormone levels of like, 900.
I bet you wish you could be a shark like me.

Love,
It's A Wonderful Life. Or Jaws. Just Depends On The Week.