June 29, 2012

some days. sigh.

I lock my keys in my car all the time. I had to make multiples of my car and house keys and give them to friends for safe keeping. And I finally had to succumb to a hide-a-key box thingy stuck underneath my car. (So if you ever want to steal my car... the key is underneath. Now you know.)
Anyway, I locked the keys in my car at church last Sunday. 
But no worries. One of the guys crawled under my car and got my secret key out for me. It's only the 40 thousandth time he's had to do that.

But I forgot about that when I read a note my mom left me the other morning. 
The new keys to my truck are on the key ring. Be sure to throw away the old key on your key ring and put the new one in it's place.
Mom just had the ignition fixed on her truck and new keys made.
But when I went out this morning to take her truck to work, I realized we still needed the old keys to unlock the truck. Because even though the ignition got changed out, the door locks didn't.
But no worries. I'm super forgetful and forgot to throw out my old key for Moma's truck.
I sent Moma a superior text, u still need the old keys. if u want to unlock the doors.
Then I hopped out of the truck at work, locked the door, slammed it shut, and... stared at the one and only existing key to Moma's truck. Sitting there on the console. Inside the locked truck.
I sent mom a sheepish text, aaaand i locked the only key in the truck.

So me and my friend, Mary Ann, tried unlocking the door with a wire hanger. We even got it in the window, but the darn hanger kept wandering over towards the glove compartment and never would hit the unlock button.
Then we spent many minutes staring at each other, the wire hanger, and our reflections in the locked door's windows.
So I called a locksmith.
He stuck a wire exactly like mine into the same window I stuck my wire in thru, and had the door unlocked in less than 5 seconds.
I proposed to him on the spot. 
I told him I had always wanted to marry a blacksmith. He told me he was a locksmith, not a blacksmith, and that there was a difference, and how was I planning on paying? Cash, check, or credit card?
I asked if I could at least buy one of those wires like he had, and he said no because then he might be out of a job.
It broke my heart to see him leave with that little wire hanger thingy. I could really use one of those.

After that, I tripped on the stairs.
Stepped on glass tile shards.
Got four splinters.
Ran into a tree.
Poked my eyeball with a french fry.
Poked my other eyeball with a bandaid.
Drove to the wrong town to pick up some plants.
Spilled a bucket of dirt over my head.
Stabbed myself with the clippers.
Sat on the clippers.
Clipped myself with the clippers.
Threw the clippers away.

I thought about how on Pollyanna, when the preacher stands up behind his pulpit in silence and then suddenly yells out, DEATH COMES UNEXPECTEDLY. And everyone jumps and that one lady's eyebrows go way up.
I thought about that several times today.

But on the bright side, I stayed very far, far away from my client's giant pool because I figured if ever there was a day meant for me to drown, today was the day.

I still need to take a shower and get all of that dirt out of my hair and other places.
But I'm kinda nervous about it.
I mean, what if I slip and fall and drown?
What if Anthony Perkins lurks under my bathroom sink? With a pair of clippers?

Pray for me, guys. Pray that I live until tomorrow.

I leave you with this picture of my adolescent self. Just in case I die in the shower.

She Who Is A Danger To Herself

June 22, 2012


I think texting is like, the greatest thing ever.
My sisters text me stuff all the time.
It's my favorite.
And my favorite, favorite is when they text me stuff about the kids.

Like this...

Karen: lily just came n with her niteshirt stuck n her hair and asked, "do you think im the wedding girl?"

Karen: i was cleaning out a cabinet when molly came up to me like this and asked, "am i funny?"

Karen: note from emma to tim this morning that said..."dad i sore but i gin mis you i run a uwa" 
interpreted: dad im sorry. im gonna miss you when i run away.

Karen: talk about seeing thru rose colored glasses. leah told emma that she left her bike in the yard last night as tim was talking to me about the sprinklers going off this morn. leah was saying it with an edge off "what were you doing leaving it out there" kinda tone. emma just says cheerfully "well at least its clean now!"

Karen: lily just told me with great excitement that she just saw a peacock on our sidewalk. i asked if it was really big and she said no that it's a baby. i looked out there and it's a quail:)

(Shelly and her kids just went down to Texas to visit our brother and his family. This is what his little girl wrote to Shelly on the day of their departure.)

Shelly : mik wrote me a note when we left. it says, i'm sorry you haf to leve. i wish you woodent leve. i'm gong to mis you, wen you leve. i wish you woodent leve. we haf sosososo much fun to gether. want you to stay for 12345678910 mor days. hope you haf a saf trip back to alabamu. like i sead im going to mis sooo much.

Shelly: bubba just asked me to be quiet because his foot is asleep. he wasn't kidding either.

Shelly: marianna wrote this note to the tooth fairy today. tooth fairy was VERY generous.
Dear toothfairy, Today I lost my tooth. But the thing is I was eating a candy orange and it came out and I acsadintally swallowed my tooth with what I was eating so I was hoping you could still come and visit me.
from: Marianna

Those texts make my sunshiny day.
I just love those kids to pieces.

The Proud Auntie

June 21, 2012

diy: it is well

I have an easy tutorial for you. Easy,but tedious. Tedious, but worth it. Worth it, but... whatever.
Me, Karen, and our friend Jaime got together last month and made some stuff we saw on Pinterest. Actually, they saw it. They wanted it. And then they asked me to help. Because I'm like, the craft queen. Or at least, they think I am.

They wanted these It Is Well canvases:

So we made 'em.
Jaime made the canvas on the left, Karen made a couple sets of the canvases on the right. 
It took us awhile.
We made mistakes.
At one point, Jaime's canvas looked like it had poop smeared on it. Which was gross. But she fixed it. Then it was well. (get it?)
But even though it was time consuming, it was fun and we had a good time.
And when it was all done, Karen and Jaime had their canvases, and I wore a crown that said Craft Queen and had green paint under my fingernails.

And now I'm going to tell you how to make your own! Because I like to share like that.
Note: If you want a tutorial for the canvas Jaime made, click here.

You will need:

:: Two blank, white canvases. You can buy them at Michaels. They come in all sizes, all prices. Take your pick. 
:: Craft paint. Color of your choice. We used Martha Stewart's Satin Green Curry.
:: Sponge brush. Or small paint brush.
:: 4" (or whatever size) letters. You could get a stencil for this. We didn't. Karen got some sticker letters that we cut out and used as a template. Don't ask me why we did it the hard way.
:: Pencil
:: Modpodge 

Lay your letters out on your canvas and start tracing around each one. (Go light with the tracing. Do it too dark and it'll show thru your paint job later on. I learned this via trial and error.)

Until your canvas looks like this...

Fill in your letters with your paint.
This is the tedious part. I'm not very good with the whole stay-in-the-lines thing. But Karen did a great job correcting my mistakes. She's a good sister like that.

We did two coats of paint. Made it look a little more filled in.

Let it dry for a couple hours, and then coat the entire shebang with a layer or two of modpodge.
The modpodge will protect your canvas from dirty fingerprints, and make it shiny. Shiny is nice. I like shiny things.

And then you're done!
And you'll have these:

Aren't they the cutest girls?
Lil' stinkers, that's what.

This is the canvas I want to make... except it's wood, not a canvas. And it requires power tools to cut that wood. And I don't have power tools. I only have have a blow dryer and I don't think that counts.


Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee.
I just love that. I love that whole song.
It's such a longing, loving song.

So go on now, make some stuff.

The Craft Queen

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June 13, 2012


I've been a big spender the last week or so. Not really. But I've spent money... which isn't normal.
I'm a shopping hater. I hate shopping. I hate all its guts.
It gives me a headache.
It makes my legs fall off.
It makes my thighs feel rubbery.
It makes me lose faith in humanity.
It makes me lose my religion.
And it makes me have to go pee, and I hate public restrooms because you never know what gross thing you might see on the floor there.

But mostly, I'm a penny pincher, and I abhor spending my money.
Sometimes I go shopping because I don't have a choice (like when Karen drags me along). And I'll see something I want. And I'll carry it around the store, and I'll sniff it, and feel it, and love it, and ultimately... put it back on the shelf.
But then, approximately once a year, I'll have some sort of break down and I'll run around buying all the stuff I saw last fall or last spring or ten years ago.

Which is what happened last week.

I bought wellies. I saw them last fall and couldn't bring myself to buy them. But I needed them for work. I'm sick to death of gardening in wet feet. Also, they're really cute, and I like cute stuff.
I bought a raincoat. I've been "borrowing" Karen's for the last five years and thought maybe I should just, you know... buy my own.
I bought fabric (fabric.com is so cool, guys!). I'm still finishing up decorating my living room, and my old throw pillows need revamped.
And I bought craft stuff. Ever heard of cabochons? Me neither- until a couple weeks ago. They're cute little charm thingys that you can glue onto earring backs, or rings, or bobby pins, or whatever your heart so desires. I love them. I wanted some. So Karen found a deal on GroopDealz, (a whole set for only $10, man! Complete with earring backs, bobby pins, rings, and glue.) and I bought me some cabochons.

And then one day I woke up and my hair looked like this:

So I figured I should definitely get me a hair cut.
So I did.
And while I was there, the guy cutting my hair was like, Oh my gosh! I love your shirt! So cute! Stripes are my fave right now, and Old Navy had, like, an awesome sale so I bought tons of tank tops. I'm so excited! Also, we have, like, Big Sexy Hair products on sale! Do you, like, use those? Because, like, I totally do! The Moroccan oil is my fave. It's great for frizzy hair.
And I was like, Why do you mention frizzy hair? Huh?
And then he plopped a whole bunch of oil on my big, sexy, frizzy hair. And nothing happened.
And then I thought about that one time, four years ago, when I bought some Big Sexy hairspray and I loved it, but never bought it again because... seriously??? Eighteen bucks a can??? No thank you.
But since it was on sale, I bought two.
And since their cash register wigged out when they were ringing me up, I got them for even cheaper.
And I walked out of Great Clips with my hair casually floating in the breeze behind me, and two cans of Big Sexy Hair, and that guy hollering after me, Like, seriously you should totally try the Moroccan oil!

Speaking of sexy.
I went to see Avengers. Twice. It was epic.
Hawkeye was epic. More specifically, Hawkeye's arms were epic. I'm going to marry them.
I'm going to buy a tee shirt that says, Me and Hawkeye's biceps. Meant to be.
The rest of the movie was pretty good too.
It had some great lines. 

Stark: Doth your mother know you weareth her drapes?

Cap America: Is everything a joke to you?
Stark: Funny things are.

Cap America: Ma'am, there's only one God, and I'm pretty sure He doesn't dress like that.

Stark: Phil? Uh, his first name is agent.

Cap America: We have orders, we should follow them.
Stark: Following's not really my style.
Cap America: And you're all about style, aren't you?
Stark: Of the people in this room, which one is A -  wearing a spangly outfit and B - not of use?

Napoleon: Do chickens have large talons?

Wait... wrong movie.

Anyway, I loved it.
But mostly, I unashamedly loved Hawkeye's arms. The end.

I love flowers too.
Leah sent me this picture. I love Instagram. It's the best app ever.

And the other day, I was driving down the road, on my way home from work, and there were wild yellow roses, blooming like crazy on some unoccupied property. I mean crazy, crazy blooming. And yellow's my favorite color. So I trespassed and picked a whole bunch.
And then I ran before the neighbors could call the cops on me. It was like Mission Impossible or something.

Then these two goobers came over to my house and turned my spotless, speckless home into utter disarray in about five seconds flat.
I don't know how they do it. They took two blankies, 8 or 9 toys, several cuppies, a few books, cheese sticks, and an apple, and strategically scattered it all around until my house looked like a war zone.

Couple rapscallions, that's what they are.
I had cheese stick in my wellies.
But I love them to death anyway.

I have approximately 4,331.8 black fly bites right now.
I hate black flies. I hate how much they love me. I hate all the creepy crawling they do on me. I hate how they suck my life's blood. I hate the giant red, swollen bites they leave. I hate all the itching those bites cause.
Basically, I hate them to death.
Mrs. Hoover got a black fly bite on  her forehead. She said it got all swollen, and then she looked like a Romulan.

And now we know what really happened to all those Romulans.

I've been working my tail flat off. Work, work, work. But I love my work. So it's okay. Even though I complain about how tired I am all the time.
It's been raining and cold and I've been wearing long johns in June.
I planted window boxes on my deck railing. They're very bright and cheerful.
I was very impressed by Hawkeye's arms.
Moma was gone to Texas for three weeks, but now she's back and I'm really glad because I was starving and lonely for her.
The girls had piano recitals.
Some guy asked me to design his flower gardens and I said yes, but now I wish I had said no because it's a lot of work and I don't have time.
I was very impressed by Hawkeye's arms.
There was a lightening storm last night, and I stayed up late and watched it. Because I think thunder and lightening are so wonderful.( Also, I thought maybe Thor would drop by for a visit. But he didn't.)
I've been wanting to make a key lime cake, but haven't had time.
I was very impressed by... wait... is there an echo in here?

And now I have to go back to work. Because I'm very responsible and practical like that.
But I'm buying Starbucks and a chocolate doughnut on the way.

Hawkeye's Bicep's Future Wife
(Except he doesn't know about it yet. But that's a minor detail so it doesn't count, right?)