Enneagram 8

 I’ve been learning about the Enneagram personality types, along with a few friends, over the past several weeks. It’s been SO informative. We are watching a series of sermons by Matt Brown at Sandals Church on Youtube. There are a couple versions of his sermons; I prefer the ones at his regular church service. He’s more natural and at ease in those.

Daphne’s 3rd birthday party. 

Daphne is an Enneagram 8; the challenger, a leader, a blunt communicator.

The challenger, when healthy, is strong and confident, they want everything to be just and truthful, they’re very protective of those they love, they lead well, and they are merciful.

But when unhealthy, they are controlling, tend to dictatorship, combative, insensitive, and will not see any value in the opinions or thoughts of others.

In his sermon on 8’s, Matt Brown used Nathan as an example of this personality type. Nathan came to King David after his sins of adultery and murder, and just dropped a truth bomb on him then turned and walked out. He did his job, and that was that. 

The do’s and don’ts of an 8:

Do

Stand up for yourself

Be direct

Share your tender side

Don’t

Take their anger personally 

Betray their trust

Try to fence them in

Daphne is our storm cloud baby. Grumpy face, quick to say “I hate that”, and generally screams bloody murder over anything. 

I think, sometimes, that people feel I am being negative about Daphne’s personality when I say these types of things. It feels odd to me when I realize this because we don’t view her personality as a negative at all. I’ll be thrilled when Daff learns that she can talk about the things that bother her versus screaming hysterically as she does now, but her personality is HUGE and hilarious. She is the most contrary person I have ever known and we get such a kick out of it. She doesn’t want to go on the potty so she simply won’t (she even blithely says,”I won’t” when I beg her to PLEEEEASE go on the potty, haha).

On our way to work this morning, Luna sat in her seat listening to Bridge to Terabithia on her Yoto, minding her own business.

She clicked her tongue once or twice, absentmindedly.

Daphne, meddling,”I hate dat. I hate dat clucking. I hate it.”

Luna, bewildered,”I only did it once! Twice! Only twice!”

Daphne, undeterred,”I hate it. I hate dat clucking.”

Daphne is currently outside, alone, screaming with excitement over the strong winds. I can hear her yelling,”WHOA I LOVE IT. MOM! I LOVE THE WIND.” If you have ever watched Bluey (100% recommend this show for all parents!), Daphne is Muffins. A wild kid, living life at top volume. Taking life by the horns and never letting go.

This morning the girls woke up around 4am. A side effect of their new, shared bedroom arrangement. We went for a walk around the neighborhood as the sun fully came up, and Daphne happily barked like a dog at every person and car we saw. I envy this freedom because, frankly, I’d enjoy barking at people, too. It’s my plan for if I ever get mugged. I won’t win on strength, but perhaps if I bark like a maniac the element of surprise will be helpful. I’d like to thank Daphne for this survival plan.

A few weeks ago, Daphne had a full meltdown as we tried to get her out of her car seat for church. Kicking and screaming. She was finally able to communicate to us that she was worried about people touching her in church. She hates hugs and kisses, or any uninvited touch, really. She wants Aaron or I to carry her into church so she can avoid anyone else picking her up.

This past Sunday several people tried to approach Daphne with words of love and friendship. She wasn’t having any of it. She hid her face in my shirt and said,”No friends. No. I hate dat. I not friend. I Daffy.”

I sympathize with this. I dislike being touched, too, but I’m 41 and have had years of experience in controlling my dislike, and years to learn that there are some people who genuinely need hugs and physical touch. Daphne is only 3 and hasn’t learned that yet so I am her bodyguard, so to speak, and let people know “No touchy”.

We all tend to say “strong willed child” when referring to Daphne, including myself. Oddly, both of my girls are equally strong willed, but it seems more apparent in Daphne than in Luna. I’m not entirely sure why that is, but I think it has something to do with Daphne’s grumpy side whereas Luna is all sunshine so the strong will is less apparent. I believe a strong will is a value, not a flaw.

On the flip side of Daphne’s grumpy I hate you’s is one of the most affectionate babies in the world. She will ask to be held and will lay her head on my shoulder and just hug forever. She’ll softly say, as she gently pats my back,”I love you. You beautiful. I love you forever.” At bedtime, she will take my face in both hands, softly run her fingers over my features, and whisper words of love and affection. “Oh, mama, you my best friend. You my best. I love you forever. You love me? We love each other forever.” And when she plays alone, which she does well, she will have her baby dolls pretending to be best friends and she tells them all the reasons she loves her big sister, Luna. No one is quicker to say “Good job!! Good girl!!” than Daphne.

When Luna gets in trouble or is upset, Daphne is typically worried for her. One time I threw away an old craft of Luna’s. She makes new crafts every day and they tend to pile up so occasionally I sneak and toss them. But one day I got caught and Luna was upset. She went to sit on the couch and mourn her loss like the emo teenager she is. Daphne was RILED UP. She came and scolded Aaron and I,”You do NOT tow Luna stuff away!!!” Then she went and patted Luna on the leg,”I tell them Luna. I tell them no mo tow away. Kay, now?”

Daphne is nearly fearless. A little reckless, haha. She will jump off of high things without a care. She will jump into deep water. She’ll pick a fight with much bigger people and win based on confidence alone. The soundtrack of Daphne’s life is me yelling in terror,”Daphne!! No! Your bones! Your skull! Careful!” 

Daphne has a big scar on her lower lip from fearlessly jumping off of a chair and then landing badly onto a wooden stool which pushed her teeth thru her tongue and lip. Later that day she was attempting the exact jump again. Lesson NOT learned. But she did eventually figure out how to land the jump. Meanwhile, I was exhausted from trying to keep her alive. Her perseverance is incredible. I would have given up. Actually, I never would have even attempted the jump in the first place because I’m so cautious. Why try things when you could just not? That’s my motto.

A friend was telling me about her husband who is also an 8. “He can be very blunt and hurt people’s feelings. He’s a good leader though, and cares very much about the people in his fort. Once you’re in the fort, he will do anything for you. When our son wanted to go sky diving, he was right there with him. Just ready for it. I wouldn’t have done that.”

I loved hearing this insight- I could envision Daphne as an adult. I love her confidence, her way of happily being alone, her aggression in the way she expresses herself, her strong affection for her family and friends. 

Daphne came to me saying,”Look, Mama! I have a pee!” And sure enough, she had a yellow stream taped to herself (which could be pee or could be mistaken for something else). She was devastated that I didn’t allow her wear her construction paper pee to the grocery store.

Aaron and I often look at each other over Daphne’s head and smile. Look at her. Her little nose, gap between her teeth, wild, curly hair, big brown eyes. The cutest profile. We somehow ended up with this perfect, wild and crazy kid.