On Parenting

 When I was a kid, a preacher came to our church and said that the best way to raise children for the Lord was to “beat the devil out of them”. He was one of those screaming, nearly purple faced hackers that were so popular when I was growing up. His kids were ducks in a row of long skirts and suits. More excellent than anyone else. He said he had learned, through raising his eight children, that 80 swats with a belt or a wooden paddle was the magic number for breaking a child’s sin bent will. His kids did look broken so it seemed he was right in that respect. Some parents in the church accepted his words, and applied it in their child raising. This angers and grieves me. Abuse should never be taught from the pulpit of a Godly, Christ loving church, much less accepted as good advice (There were likely parents who disagreed with it, but I was a kid and not included in those discussions. What I do know is that this was not immediately corrected from the pulpit as it should have been, and not one person picked up a phone to call the police on behalf of those kids). 

There was a heavy emphasis in our church circles on “Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from death.” Proverbs 23:13-14.

God’s Word is pure, but not when it’s corrupted by man, as it was on that day. Parenting seemed to be mostly about control, unearned respect, unquestioning obedience, and intimidation. Fear, shame, and guilt were the overwhelming correctors. For a child to ask questions, to be in a bad mood, to cry over things, or to disagree with one’s parents were all considered a sin of rebellion. To train one’s child in the way they should go meant to beat one’s child into fearful submission so that they, in turn, could one day submit to God as adults in fear and trembling. Humility hardly factored into the equation. 

I believe that this out of balance, heavy handed emphasis is what inclined some people to accept the preacher at his word, and, in other cases, anger and abuse already existed in their hearts and homes so this was a good excuse to give it biblical framing. 

This is an example, to me, of what it means to lack root in the Word of God, when we are so easily swayed to do the wrong thing by a handful of teachers, and a few cherry picked verses.

I had to completely overhaul my beliefs about parenting once my kids were born. Although beating the devil out of my children was never something I considered doing, other old teachings and childhood experiences would collide with newfound understanding, and at times cause me some confusion on which path was best for our kids. There were a few times when I would say,”I believe XYZ!”, and Aaron would look at me in shock or amazement saying, in so many words,”We aren’t doing that with our kids, Sunny. Could you find another way?” And upon examination, I would discover that I really was wrong and leaning into a harsh parenting method.

Some parts of parenting are so easy for me. I’m naturally inclined to be organized and consistent. I naturally enjoy caring for my kids, planning special things for them, and researching school curriculums or whatever they need.

But discipline, guidance, correcting behavior, and establishing a friendship with my kids doesn’t come naturally to me at all and can be incredibly overwhelming. In particular, I have a quick temper and learning to control it has been a steep, steep, steep learning curve- learning to view it as a sin against my children was mind bending. I did not understand the value of a child in God’s eyes and felt that to demean them in my anger was to teach them… well, something? It has sometimes felt like a war within me as I have tried to let go of everything I have been taught to do to my kids, and reach out to God for a better way.

During a marriage retreat earlier this year, the speaker, Kurt Skelly, told the story of Michal’s contempt towards her husband, King David, as he danced in 2 Samuel 6:14-16. I have always viewed Michal in a very negative light. What an old biddy. However, Pastor Skelly went further back into the scripture and showed us how Michal was so mistreated and objectified by both her father, King Saul, and then her husband, King David; a pawn in their political games. I had never once considered her side or what brought about the contempt she felt toward David. Were her bitterness and contempt justified? No, sin is never justified. But seeing what brought her to that place gave me so much compassion for her. I will never be able to see Michal in the same way again. My heart ached for her.

I could see myself in Michal. I have justified the bitterness and contempt within myself that stemmed from beliefs I was taught in childhood and my personal experiences. But this shouldn’t be. The Bible says the Word cleanses and purifies us. It heals wounds, balm of Gilead. I’ve prayed in desperation for God to guide me away from bitterness, rawness of spirit, and toward the right path of parenting. Rather than dwelling on the things that cannot be undone from childhood, what can I change right now for the betterment of my relationship with God and my relationships with my kids? During months of prayer and frustration, earlier this year, as I flipped through parenting blogs and books, I finally found this little booklet of parenting lessons on Amazon (the author also has a website which is how I stumbled across her books): Parenting in Christ: Treasures for Parenting from Jesus, by Christina Dronen. It’s packed with scripture and very minimal commentary. It’s a very short booklet with about 40 pages. There are no frills, no personal anecdotes, no stories. Almost entirely Bible. This book won’t tell you what your morning routine should look like or how to handle disobedience or the pros and cons of homeschooling. It doesn’t look pretty, and doesn’t have a single picture. It will tell you what the Bible says about our kids. It’s about a relationship with God more than anything. And as I read it, I kept saying,”This is so beautiful. This is so beautiful.” I read excerpts to Aaron and repeated myself,”This is so beautiful to me.” Trying to find the words to explain what this meant to me but failing. There should be a better word for it. Beautiful isn’t enough, but it’s all I have right now. The Bible’s ability to cleanse away heartaches was very real to me as I read through this book and saw not only how God views my children currently, but also how God saw me as a little kid and as an adult now. I purchased it to help me be a better parent, which it will do, but while reading it, it felt more like a comforting hand from God, easing my raw and aching spirit. An amazing answer to prayer.

Over the past few years, there have been a handful of scripture that has formed the framework of what I desire to be as a parent. Parenting in Christ further backed this up for me, and gave me even more scripture to dig into and lean on. I have made so many dreadful mistakes as a mom already. Luna isn’t even 6 yet, and I already want to pull my hair out in regrets over my failures. One day my kids will say,”I’ll do things differently than my parents did.” (Luna has already informed me that her kids won’t have chores. Haha, joke’s on her.) 

But, this is how I hope my kids look back and see me, when they are adults.

“Thou hast also given me the shield of thy salvation: and thy right hand hath holden me up, and thy gentleness hath made me great.”

Psalm 18:35

“And thinkest thou this, O man, that judgest them which do such things, and doest the same, that thou shalt escape the judgement of God?

Or despiseth thou the riches of his goodness and forbearance and longsuffering; not knowing that the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance?” 

Romans 2:3-4

Years ago, in my 20’s, after nearly destroying my own life thru an adulterous relationship, these verses gave me a new picture of God the Father. I had always viewed God as the rod of iron. Unmerciful in his righteousness. Ready and waiting for me to mess up bad enough to strike me dead with lightening. I wanted Him to still love me, but it was hard to believe that He could or would.

But the gentleness and goodness of God led me to repentance, and then life change. God used several people in my life during that time, including Aaron’s parents, to extend that beautiful gentleness and goodness to me which I did not deserve. This was a side of God that I had never seen before.

I believe this is the example I should follow in parenting Luna and Daphne. Each day they mess up, and it drives me nuts. We are all human. But each day I get to decide to do for them what God did for me: goodness and gentleness. This is an honor, a treasure, an incredible part of being a parent. What God flows into me, I get to flow into them. The extraordinary circle of Christ’s love.

“But made himself of no reputation, and took upon himself the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:

And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.”

Philippians 2:7-8

“For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself.”

Galatians 6:3

I am no better than my children. Yes, I am their guide, steward, and the boss of them for while they are young, but I am no better than they are. If anything I am worse because I sin as an adult with years of experience to know better, whereas they sin as innocents who know very little and have still developing brains.

When I begin to think myself something, it’s up to me to remember the example of humility that Christ gave to us on the cross, and then follow in that humility with my kids. If Christ can subject himself to the cross, then surely I can subject myself to the sound of whiny little voices without berating them. The days when I humble myself are the days when we have the most peace in our house. It’s easy to puff myself up with my kids. I’m the mom. I know best. Do what I say. Do it right now. And, sure, there is some truth in that. I DO know better than they do most of the time, and they DO need me to set safe boundaries in their lives. But, God has not given me the liberty or command to hold my power over them as though I am the Holy Spirit of their lives. They do not belong to me, I have been set as their steward, not as their god.

“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”

Ephesians 6:4

“And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.”

Deuteronomy 6:7

“But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me; for of such is the kingdom of heaven.” 

Matthew 19:14

I REALLY love that verse in Deuteronomy. That’s a lot of talking between a parent and child, all day long. When you get up in the morning, when you walk around, when you sit down, and when you go to bed at night… you teach. I love how Jesus, in Matthew, took the little children to himself, and refused to allow them to be pushed away impatiently. God values children so much. He cared that they were spoken to and listened to. They were not a bother to him. Didn’t God walk in the garden with Adam and Eve? Didn’t He walk with Enoch “who was not”? Aren’t we commanded to pray without ceasing? God loves to talk to us! To listen to us! This is so amazing because we’re so dumb! But still, He loves to commune with us. I hear “Mom mom mom” all day, but God hears “God God God” fifty billion times more, and I doubt that He hops on the internet to search for “ways to keep kids quiet so I don’t lose my mind” (I don’t know, maybe He does, haha).

And, for our family dynamic, this verse goes hand in hand with Ephesians 6:4. Nothing provokes my kids more than being ignored or not listened to. It unsettles them, it hurts them, it demeans them, it angers them, and it confuses them. If we say only,”God loves you and has time for you,” but we never show them that ourselves, the hypocrisy of that creates a rebellion. Our kids LOVE to talk to us, and they LOVE when we chat with them. They will follow me around the house all day, and want to talk more than they want to play. They have so many opinions and thoughts, and just want to get them out and to be understood. This isn’t always easy for me because I love alone time to think my own thoughts, but these years are short. 

Luna asks me 10+ times per day,”Mama, what’s your favorite thing?” She’s done this for years now. It’s a conversation starter for her. It just means,”Mama, will you talk with me?” And this is my wide open door to have a relationship with her, a real relationship. This is one way for me to teach diligently, to nurture, and to admonish. This is one way for me to hold my children’s hearts to my own. This is one way for me to say, as Christ said, “Come to me, children, I have time for you.”

“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.”

3 John 1:4

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.”

Galatians 5:22-23

My greatest desire is for my children to walk in truth. I long for them to not only get saved, but to live a life that reflects the fruit of the Spirit within them. It’s my privilege to be able to reflect the fruit of the Spirit, Who dwells within myself, back to my girls so they can learn. I used to read this verse so cavalierly. I took it for granted. It’s such a Sunday School verse. But now that I have kids, it feels so weighty to me to really, truly shine forth the fruit of the Spirit rather than the anger, impatience, and pride which are the sins my personality type defaults to. The fruit of the Spirit is so lovely, and such a wonderful guide for us to discern whether or not we are acting the right way.

Here are a few more things I have learned and which have really changed how I conduct myself with my girls:

-No one has ever been more disrespected by me than my two kids. It twists my heart every time I think of this. So if they are disrespectful to me, I can be merciful to them just as they, and God, are to me. “By mercy and truth iniquity is purged.” They forgive me every day for my wrong doing against them. It’s a balancing act to teach them how to be respectful and appropriate while also being merciful. I want them to learn the importance of being respectful. This balance causes me to look at my own behavior and see what needs to change in myself. Children cannot learn respect if they are not first respected. They learn by example.

-I have meltdowns. Perhaps not kicking and screaming fits like a toddler, but I absolutely lose my temper, get in bad moods, and even go hide under the desk (literally) when I’m over stimulated. I remind myself of this when they lose it, too. They have not had decades to learn emotional regulation.

-I disagree with everyone. Can’t think of a single person with whom I have ever agreed 100%. So it’s okay for my kids to disagree with me and to say so. It’s still my job to keep them safe, so they aren’t allowed to play with fire no matter how much they may disagree with me. But they are allowed to have their own opinions.

-I am hangry and sleepy every day. It’s okay for my kids to be human, too. They are not allowed to be unkind or uncivil, but they are allowed to be grumpy and have a bad day. We look for ways to make the grump go away, but first, they are allowed to deal with their emotions which are really big and real to them.

-I don’t like chores, so it’s pretty unreasonable of me to expect my kids to love dusting and emptying the bathroom trash cans. The other day I said aloud,”Wow, I hate cooking!” as I went to cook dinner. I stopped and said to Luny,”See, I hate chores too! I still do it because I love you and don’t want you to starve, but it’s okay to not enjoy doing something that you have to do.”That honestly made such a big difference to her, and she felt understood. She crept up beside me so many times that day for a little shy hug. She still gets a dour face over her chores every day, but then she comes to me for a hug between each chore as though to say,”We’re in this together.”

I hope that preacher, from when I was a kid, learned to be a different kind of father down the road. I hope that there was a day when he humbled himself and learned to view himself, and then his kids, through God’s eyes rather than his own wrath. It grieves me to remember it, and it hurts me even more to think that there is a possibility that he never changed and his kids continued to suffer.

I don’t have parenting figured out. I’m just kinda laughing, crying, and raging my way through it each day (throw in a couple of mental breakdowns, too). Some nights I go to bed thinking it wasn’t bad at all, and other nights I go to bed so defeated from failure. But mostly I go into their room while they sleep and sniff their weird smell of sweat and booty butt (which never goes away even with a bath and soap), and I thank God for this season of life mothering two kids who need to be sprayed with Febreze every day.