Connection>Opinion

 My therapist said something so constructive last week, after I shared that I was struggling to accept opposing opinions of various family and friends on things I consider central to my life, or a Christian life.

I said that I hoped I could have considerate conversations with them going forward, and maybe, change their minds over time. She asked if changing their minds was my goal, and I said, well, yes. 

She offered this insight.

First, she pointed out that my blog is an appropriate place for me to share my beliefs and thoughts. It’s my space to speak, and the reader can decide if they will accept it or not, or if they will read it in the first place. A reader is coming to my space to see what I have to say.

But private conversations require increased nuance and care. That table is for two people, not only myself, and being thoughtful of the other person is necessary. That means slowing down and sometimes refraining from sharing passionate beliefs when the other person may not be able to accept them, yet. Maybe there will be a time to share with them later, or maybe they will never feel comfortable hearing what I think. It takes discernment, and understanding of the person sitting at the table with me, to decide that.

Second, is changing their minds the goal? Or is my relationship with them the goal? 

Often, an established connection (bond) creates trust, and the trust, in turn, creates a willingness to listen and consider. But if I am focused entirely on the change of mind, rather than the person sitting before me, am I treating them well, with thoughtfulness and love? The answer is a resounding no.

She reminded me how Jesus treated people during his time on earth. He focused on connection, if you will, and treated people with care and love. 

His love for us comes first in our relationship. He doesn’t say,”Change yourself and then I will love you.” He says,”I love you.” 

We love him because he first loved us. He loved us before we ever accepted him. He loves us even when we reject him. 

She asked if I can envision people the way Jesus does- valuable, worthy of unconditional love and humbling himself for our sakes. 

I loved this SO much. I burst into tears while she spoke.

“Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.” 

Philippians 2:3

Last year I read Christina Dronen’s booklet, Parenting in Christ: Treasures for Parenting from Jesus. It encouraged me in far more than parenting. As I read, I was able to view myself in Christ’s eyes, not only my children. Valuable, worthy, the image of God, a child of God. And when my therapist spoke of seeing people how Jesus sees them,  I was reminded of Christina’s booklet and how she teaches parents to see their children as Jesus sees them.

“Christ-like humility means submitting to God and what he says about you- over your own or anyone else’s opinions about yourself. When your confidence is in Christ alone, you are free to focus on others, treating them with elevated regard, honoring and serving them. In addition, humility is the virtue that begets all other good virtues.”

-Page 5, Chapter 2 of Parenting in Christ

This applies to all relationships, all human interactions whether in person or online. God has given us so much direction on how to treat others, and it starts with humility. Christ humbled himself to come to this earth as flesh and humbled himself to the cross. For me. For you. For everyone.

“Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, long suffering.” 

Colossians 3:12

“He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?” 

Micah 6:8 (One of my favorite verses right now!)

“I don’t think anyone can grow unless he’s loved exactly as he is now, appreciated for what he is rather than what he will be.” 

-Mr Rogers

I couldn’t watch Mr. Rogers as a kid because puppets are from hell and nightmares, but he has some real zingers. My Pinterest algorithm is littered with Mr Roger’s quotes and I’m not upset about it. I love this quote from him because I feel it encapsulates how Jesus loves us. And this is how we should see others- humbly, lovingly. Love our neighbors as ourselves. 

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.

Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:35-39

Isn’t this an incredible thing to aspire to in our relationships?! Nothing can separate us from unconditional love. I’m not humanly capable of loving people exactly how God does, but it’s something to strive for. I hope to put a lens over my eyes when I see people and a filter over my mouth when I speak to people. A lens and filter that says,”You matter to me so much. Relationship > opinion.” 

This isn’t as difficult for me to apply with strangers. I feel more reticent and intimidated by people I don’t know very well and withdraw. But with my closer friends and family, I’m more aggressive and combative with my opinions. This is a lifelong bad habit and part of my personality; it’s something to root out. It’s unkind and disrespectful.

A note: As sinful people, capable of hurting each other deeply, we need boundaries and that looks like physical distance sometimes. Some relationships are dangerous or toxic, and we may need to remove ourselves from them partially or entirely. We may need to take practical steps, or legal steps. This is reality and we shouldn’t ignore or sugar coat it. Nonetheless, to love our neighbors and our enemies is instruction from God. That may look a little different in varying situations, but I believe that all things are possible with God, including loving people how he wants us to. I don’t know how to do this, to be frank. There are some people who feel impossible to love. So please understand that I don’t have this figured out; it’s just at the forefront of my mind right now and I’d like to put earnest effort into understanding it better and then living it out.

I view it this way- I am imperfect, full of sin, but still loved by God and made in his image. Sin creates a barrier between God and I, when I refuse to repent, but it does NOT separate me from God’s love. 

I know that God loves the most vile person who has ever lived. He loves them, AND they will stand before his judgement one day. He is loving AND just. The two things are true at the same time. 

I think we make a serious mistake when we believe unconditional love does not include boundaries/barriers. We view barriers, caused by sin, as separation from love, but they are two different things. When Aaron and I argue, it creates a barrier, but doesn’t cause separation in our love for each other.

I have severed relationships in my life, and those boundaries are necessary. For me, forgiveness was difficult, but once I was able to work toward it and finally mean it, compassion and pity took the place of hatred. The boundaries have stayed in place, even with forgiveness, because I have no choice in how the other person behaves.

God says we are known by our fruit. He says even a child is known by his doings. I want the fruit in my relationships to be from the Spirit, not myself. I want to be known for this. I want this to be an action in my love for the Lord. I’m so thankful for my therapist reminding me of this; reminding me that heartstring connection matters more than forcing people to change for my sake.

“Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?

Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.

A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.

Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.

Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.”

Matthew 7:16-20

“Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether it be right.”

Proverbs 20:11

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.”

Galatians 5:22-23