April 02, 2014

happy april fool's day (yesterday)

My boss called me up yesterday morning and told me not to worry about coming into work.

We had a little fire last night.

Fire? Like how bad of a fire?

Pretty bad... I got myself and the dog out, but the house pretty much burnt to the ground.

Let us pause for a moment of silence here.
The house burnt to the ground. That big, beautiful, wonderful house on the river that I've been house sitting for the last several months. The house that I love and sometimes pretend is mine. It has a hot tub. And a Keurig. Both of which I love with all my heart. Crisis alert: level epic. I forgot to even ask if he and the dog were okay.


Yeah. Well...


I was smoking in bed. I think that's what did it.

At which point I stopped having a heart attack. Wait... you don't smoke... isn't today April 1st?

Whereupon he laughed like a hyena, and has since been very pleased with himself for tricking me.

It doesn't take much to trick me, man. I was told, on my 24th birthday, that my pink birthday streamers tasted like bubblegum and that I should eat some. I ate those streamers. Twice. I thought I got a bad piece the first time around so I gagged and tried a second piece. Everybody laughed like hyenas as they tried to get me to eat a third piece of "bubblegum" streamer. In case you've ever wondered, pink streamers taste like asphalt. Do not ask me how I know what asphalt tastes like. Let's just say someone told me it tasted like chocolate. Dark chocolate.

Anyway, later on I took a few of the girls home with me, and Lily and Molly decided they would tell me a few April Fool's jokes.

Molly: Hey Sun, why did the rooster cross the road?

Me: Umm... to get to the chicken on the other side?

Molly: *Jaw drops because how in the world did I know that answer to that one?* Yep, that's right.

Molly: I got a nudder one for you. Why did the chicken cross the road WITH AN EGG IN HER?!!

Me: I don't know. Because she was pregnant?

Molly: *Sighs in exasperation. Obviously bummed that I know all the answers to life's really important questions.* Yep, that's right again.

So then Lily decided to help her little sister out.

Lily: Sun. I got a hard one for you. Why did the chicken cross the road and then STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF IT?

Me: I have no idea. Why?

Lily: Because he wanted to DIE!

Well. That's cheerful. And they both sat back, triumphant that they finally knew more than me.

She Who Will Believe Pretty Much Anything You Tell Her. It's A Curse.