September 20, 2011


You'll never guess what's happened!
I have internet! Right here, in my house, where I live, for the first time ever!
I hardly know how to handle all this modern technology right at my fingertips. I'm wigging out. I don't know why I've never done this before.

Alot has happened in the last month.

I got a new gardening account making killer amounts of money. I know it's crass to talk about money, but... I can't help it. I named my price per hour (and upped the price right before I named it) and these people didn't blink an eye. Instead, they actually asked me to spend more time working for them. That, in my entire history of gardening, has never, ever once happened. People are more like, You charge how much??? But I had Pedro doing my gardening last year for ten bucks an hour... it's not like this takes brains or anything. At which point I say, So do you still have Pedro's phone number? Because you're gonna need it.
So I'm pretty dang happy with this new account. It means I can drop every other small account I've been doing all summer and have more time off. I've hugged myself multiple times over it.

I got another job as well. But this one has nothing to do with gardening. This one is for a marketing company. I go to stores and set up displays of whatever product the marketing company is pushing. It's simple, pay is decent, hours are good, and my new boss is a born-again Christian. I've hugged myself multiple times over this too.

I started teaching astronomy to Karen's four oldest girls.
If you were at church when Leah was telling everyone I'm teaching them astrology, you can stop with the shocked glances... I don't know squat about astrology. I don't know squat about astronomy either, but I'm throughly fascinated by it.
So, I'm a homeschool aunt this year.
I wear jean jumpers. My jean jumper came from Anthropologie though, so I'm forgiven.
Teaching this class kinda makes me feel like Napoleon when he's dancing with Deb, I like your sleeves... they're real big.

I like Pleiades, God... it's real big.
I make that face Napoleon's making too... my mouth always kinda hangs open alot when I look at that picture of Pleiades.
Canst thou bind the sweet influences of Pleiades, or loose the bands of Orion? Job 38:31
Seek him that maketh the seven stars and Orion, and turneth the shadow of death into the morning, and maketh the day dark with night: that calleth for the waters of the sea, and poureth them out upon the face of the earth: The LORD is his name. Amos 5:8
The heavens are spectacular.

I got a ticket. Before I say anything else, I broke the law... I deserved the ticket. There, now that that's out of the way, I can complain freely. That cop had zero compassion. I cried great tears of anguish and he just stuck his thumbs in his belt and cockily said, I give everyone a ticket who has their studs on after April 30th. And it's, like, September 5th so...
I felt like maybe I should give him a gold star or one of my Zingers or something. I mean everyone needs something to be proud of themselves about, right? But instead I cried some more and wiped my nose on my sweatshirt sleeve and looked around at the bleak world like there was no hope. Then he gave me my ticket and said, I'm not going to write you up for not having your registration signed. He waited for me to be properly grateful. I wiped my nose again. He said, Thank you so much for wearing your seatbelt. I had the sudden urge to cram that ticket in his eyeball. Since September 5th, I've had lots of conversations in my head with Officer Flood. All of which have the same end result... I sound smart, he sounds like an idiot, I drive away without a ticket, and my nose isn't running. It's a beautiful fantasy.

I went to our church's ladies retreat. I don't know about you, but the words ladies retreat put a mental image in my head of myself being in the same room as 50 billion other emotional, hormonal, sensitive, and most likely sobbing women who are checking each other's clothes out and talking about who's friends with who and making crafts like... calico lamp shade covers or something. Then I want to stay home real bad. But I went to this retreat anyway. And here's the thing, there were 26 emotional, hormonal, sensitive, and sobbing women who all sat in a circle and shared their deepest hearts with each other while passing a box of tissues around and... I adored it. I want to have ladies retreat every month. It was awesome. We played games with pantyhose on our heads. We ate amazing food. We talked alot.
I didn't take any pictures so I stole a few from Kelly's facebook page.
Unfortunately, Kelly didn't post any of the interesting ones. There was a really great one of me looking cross eyed at a toothbrush and another great one of my rear end. Maybe someday Kelly will post all her pics and I'll steal them from her and then you guys will get to see them. Not that I'm hinting or anything, Kelly.

This is a road Kelly and her mom drove down. (I was in a different car so I didn't see this road.)

This is a goat-sheep-thingy animal with horns that Kelly and her mom saw. (I didn't see this horned animal either.)

All us HBCers. I'm really liking Janel's face there behind me.

Some of us stayed up late, playing spoons. This was my favorite part about the whole ladies retreat. You see the lady up there in the white shirt and blue skirt? That's Bette. You see the one next to me in the orange shirt? That's Kelly. Kelly might look like a shorty with long hair, but when it comes to playing games... she's not short anymore. Kelly earned herself a new name at this ladies retreat- The Brute. She fought Bette for a spoon. I'll never forget the sight of Bette on the floor, hanging onto the skinny end of the spoon, and Kelly standing over her, dressed entirely in black, with a death grip on the fat end of the spoon. It was like time paused for 45 seconds while the rest of us watched to see who the sweaty, fierce winner would be. Kelly won.
If I ever meet Kelly in a dark alley, I'll give her all of my spoons... gift wrapped. Especially if she's wearing that black muscle shirt.

My moma moved in with me.
Here's the odd thing about Moma: She makes her bed every morning. She folds her laundry. She doesn't mind cooking. She fixes her hair- even if she's not going anywhere. She always puts her things away. And she likes to sew.
I do none of the above. I hate all the above. I'd rather die than fold my laundry. And what's the point in making the bed? I mess it up every night.
She's very neat and orderly. I came home the other day and her bed was unmade, groceries weren't put away, there was a sock on the floor along with a piece of fuzz. I was gripped with the sudden fear that either the Rapture had happened or Moma had been kiddnapped by kidnappers. But she was just down the road getting her lowlights done. I was relieved to know I hadn't been Left Behind.
And here's the nice thing about Moma: She cooks for me. She keeps my fridge stocked with Zingers (God love her). She cleans alot (God bless her). She sings alot. She bought me a super cute insulated lunch bag so I wouldn't starve while I'm out working. She bought me a mix matched set of canisters (that I love with all my heart) for all the sugar and flour I never cook with (I filled them with nuts and chocolate chips instead). She's always here when I come home. She goes places with me. She buys me coffees.
I like her.
I like her being here.

Ah. Now these are some nice pictures of Moma right here. She loves me.

We've been having fall weather so I guess winter is right around the corner. I have one particular, very miserable, vivid memory of last winter. I was on my way home from Walmart, I was frozen to the steering wheel, I defrosted long enough to grab my groceries and get myself inside, I turned every heater in the house on full blast, I turned the oven on broil, pulled a chair in front of said oven, stuck as much of myself in the oven as would fit... and cried. Cried from sheer, aching, cold misery. I've never been so cold in my life as I was for the nine months that comprised last winter. I spent alot of time sprinting from my car to whatever heated building was nearest me. I avoided the freezer section in Walmart at all costs. I spent alot of time hovered over the nearest heater. I learned to hunch myself into a small doughnut shape so as to conserve body heat. I had one facial expression last winter; bluishly pinched. If you sit next to me during church this winter, I will most definitely cram my frozen toes under your rear end in an effort to heat them up and regain feeling in my numb digits.
May summer last forever this year. May I never shiver again.

I killed a snake. Sorta. I saw the snake, freaked out, tried chopping it in half with my pruning shears but they were dull so the snake was just kinda crammed between the blades, then I stood there like, Now what? So Moma came over and cut it's head off. It bled. Turns out it was only a baby garter snake, but whatever. A snake is a snake and they should all be deader than a doornail. I twitched at every single fluttering leaf and pine needle after that.

That's all the happenings folks.
I'm glad to be back. And I'm glad you all missed me.