August 25, 2011

little boys are NOTHING like little girls

I babysat a little boy today. He's about 9 months old and looks like a 3yr old.
He walks.
He has teeth.
He pulls me over when he grabs my legs.
I call him Hulk.

Here's what little girls do when they walk into my house...

1. Can we watch a princess movie?

2. Go straight to the ballerina magnets on my fridge and start playing with them.

3. Can we play with the ballerina magnets while watching a princess movie and eat pink cupcakes and wear your high heels too?

That's it. You wanna tell me I can't play with your leatherbound, 18th century
Charles Dickens collection? Watch my waterworks.

Oh... you wanna play this little piggy? Nevermind about the waterworks.
I'm all fun and games now.

Here's what Hulk did when he lurched into my house on his unsteady 9 month old feet this morning...

1. Made a beeline for the fan whirring in the back door and stuck his fingers in it.

2. Made a beeline for my snowglobe and attempted to smash it into forty million pieces.

3. Stuck his fingers in the fan again... while grabbing for the snowglobe... and pullling his shirt up to show me his chest. All at the same time.

Okay. You wanna tell me I can't have your orange roll? I'm bringing out the big guns.
Here it is... my manly man chest. It's big. It's handsome. Try not to lust.

Here's what little girls say when they poop...

Ansid... hannvrgondstdflaijhgb..... oiranand????
That's code for, So... I pooped and I hate it so could you change my diaper... like pronto???
Then they whine and complain until I clean them up.

Here's what Hulk did when he pooped this morning...

First off, he didn't tell me. I smelled it.
Second, he wasn't done. So I told him to go away in a corner somewhere and finish his business.
Lastly, he never finished. He grabbed his blankie and laid on the kitchen floor and took a five minute power nap.

I mean, who does that?
A little girl could never say, Oh, what the heck. I don't care what's stuck between my hiney cheeks. I'm takin' a nap.

Hulk, in his first hour here, opened and closed every cupboard door and every drawer in my house. And squashed his fingers in every single one too. He never tried to take anything out. And he never even cried, just laughed every time. Like squashing his fingers was fun or something.

Hulk, in his first hour here, flushed half a roll of toilet paper down the toilet.

Hulk, in his first hour here, tried to run away from home. No really. I opened the door and he made a run for it. He's amazingly quick for a 9 month old.

Hulk, in his first hour here, flashed his chest at me approximately ten times. I finally took the hint and removed it from his need-to-be-free body.

Hulk doesn't like to have his shorts put on. His big sister said, He's an angry octopus when you put his clothes on. I'll help you hold his legs.
Good thing she held his legs because Hulk would've gone to the park in the nude otherwise.

Hulk doesn't like me to close the door when I go pee. He cried dramatically and I had to let him in with me. Then he smiled and proceeded to squash his fingers in all the cupboards and drawers. And he tried pulling my shower curtain off the rod. And he knocked over my clothes hamper.

Hulk didn't want to take a nap. He had other business to attend to. Like stuffing all my ballerina magnets underneath the fridge as far as his fingers could push them.

Hulk ate rocks at the park. He also ate grass. And leaves. And dirt. And some random unidentifible object that looked like lint. He gagged on all of it, spit it out, and then ate it all again. And smiled the whole time.

I've spent the entire day in awe (and terror) of the difference between little boys and girls.
And here's the weirdest thing.
I think I'd like to have a little boy one day when I grow up.
I never wanted one before today. I, personally, like little girls.
But Hulk makes me want one.
I know... weird, right? I don't understand it either.