July 17, 2011

cracked

Sometimes I wish I was an artist.
Like a painter.
But I can't even draw a good stick figure so... I've decided that when I get rich, I'll buy a camera. I've never been interested in photography, but sometimes I don't have the words to describe a moment. And Pioneer Woman is into photography and since I stalk her, and want to be just like her when I grow up, I obviously need to get into photography too.
And also, there's this guy at the farmer's market in Coeur d' Alene who sells his photography, and I love it. It's mostly pictures of flowers. I love flowers. He has one in particular that I really want. It's a close-up of dogwood blossoms with the sun shining thru them, and when I look at it, I feel like God is in that picture. It's something about the way the sun shines thru the flowers that gets me.
So I was like, I'm gonna go buy that picture! So I asked him how much it cost. And he was like, A hundred and fifty bucks.
Then my happy bubble was burst.
Then he said a bunch of stuff about how the picture was gallery wrapped and on some special paper that'll last for a hundred years and pretty much never fade and he said a bunch of other stuff that I didn't understand so I just smiled and said, That's cool. Then I was like, Well... see you next week when I come to look at that picture because I'm basically broke 24/7 and will never buy it. I have to buy, like, food and water and toilet paper instead. Sorry. And he was like, Feel free to come by and stare at it all you want.
I kinda had hoped he would say, Dang. You can have it for ten bucks. But he didn't.
That's the problem with being an eternal optimistic. I suffer alot of disappointment.
Maybe Bill Gates will buy it for me though, when we become best friends.

Anyhoo.
Sometimes there are moments, or things that I see, and I wish I had the words to describe those things, but my words aren't enough.
Last night, a bunch of us were at Talia's birthday party, and the kids were all running around playing in the sprinklers, and us girls were sitting under the trees talking, and the guys were grilling, then it started to thunder and rain. And when it thundered, Molly and Abby were standing at the kiddie pool together just staring up at the sky in awe. Then Molly ran off to find some other helpless kid to beat over the head with her toys. But Abby still stood there with her fat baby jaw hanging open as far as her fat baby cheeks would let it and her eyes just huge and round. Then her mama yelled across the lawn, Abby! Hear that? That's God talking to you! He's saying, Hi Abby! And Abby's eyes just lit up and she grinned like, No kidding? How cool is THAT???
I wish I had a picture of that moment. It was a moment of happy.
... her standing by the pool in her little Roxy swimsuit, smiling at her mama's words.

Speaking of happy and eternal optimism.
I get that from my Moma. She's a naturally happy person. Oh, she can get down sometimes, but it takes alot of meanness and ugly to do it.
I'm always glad she passed that particular gene down to me. I'm glad that I'm always convinced things will work out, that people are generally nice, and gallery wrapped pictures that'll last for a hundred years will only cost ten bucks. I'm happy to be a glass half full person.
But one time I got depressed, and it lasted for two years. I had taken my eyes off Him. I got depressed-er and depressed-er. Then I broke into pieces and had to ask God to put things back together.

Do you really want My help?

Yes. You'll have Your hands full... I'm not even sure where all my pieces went when they shattered. Got super glue?

I can help you, but only if you really, really want Me to. Only if you take your own hands off and let Me do it all.

At that point I really, really did want His help because I couldn't help myself so it wasn't too hard to take my hands and stick them in my jean's pockets and say, Okay. Do what You hafta.

This might hurt. I'm sorry. But when the hurt peels off, I'll wipe the tears away and put them in My bottle. Then you'll be glad.

He was right. It did hurt. But He picked up all the pieces and glued them together with His love and when He was finished I was like, Wow. Love is even better than super glue. But one thing, look at all the cracks all over me. Shouldn't they be gone? So I can be perfect?

Watch this, little one.

Then I felt myself start to warm up. Then He said, Look in the mirror.

So I did, and I saw His love shining thru all my cracks. The brightest of all lights, the light of my eyes. Like those antique crackle glass bowls that I love... you hold them up to the light and they turn all rainbowy.

I'm shiny. Like science fiction shiny.

Don't mind the cracks. You can't be perfect, only I can be that. The cracks are reminders of what you are and it gives Me a chance to glow a little more thru you.
 
That's when I wish I was an artist. So I could paint that picture.
... us standing there together, me in my jeans and Him with His love shining thru my cracks.
I wish I could capture the cup overflowing in a picture.
 
By the way...  you look pretty all shiny like that.