1) I have connections.
My main connection is Jerry Marlowe, my friend on the golf course.
Remember I went out to lunch with him a couple weeks ago and had such a good time?
Well, I mentioned to him that unemployment really sucks. So he got all up in my business.
And now I have work! Not a job... but still work.
He made a few phone calls, and then people started calling me, and now I go to their houses and act all professional and clean out their flower beds for big bucks.
I use big words like Dichorisandra thyrsiflora, and they stare at me in awe, and pay me pretty much whatever I want. (They have no idea Dichorisandra thyrsiflora only means Blue Ginger, and I've never even seen Blue Ginger in real life.)
I love having connections! It makes me feel so... connected.
2) Have I ever mentioned that I hate shopping?
And shopping hates me?
Me and shopping hate each other?
Karen loves shopping though. It does something for her deep, inner, soulful being.
Karen also likes to have company when she shops.
My company in particular.
It's a dilemma...
Here's Karen loving shopping, and me hating it, and us in the store together with my frowny face glaring at Karen's eager, cheerful one.
So the other day, Karen called and tentatively asked me if I'd go shopping with her, and before I could say no... she offered to pay me $30 bucks to go with her. And even said I could take my car so I could leave whenever I wanted.
I felt kinda bad that my own sister has to pay me to go shopping with her, but...
I also really want an Easter dress from Down East so...
Long story short, I took her up on her offer.
3) One time when I was about 8 yrs old, I woke up during the night.
I needed to go pee.
But we only had one bathroom, and my eldest sister was in it being sick.
I couldn't wait. When I gotta go, I gotta go right now.
So I had to improvise.
I ran to the kitchen and peed in the sink.
My moma was horrified, We wash our dishes and potatoes in there!!!
I had to scrub the sink out with an SOS pad and bleach.
I had thought my moma would at least be glad that I, for once, hadn't wet the bed.
Adults are hard to figure.
4) Another time I peed in my bedroom trash can.
I got a spanking that time.
How come all my adults didn't understand that I couldn't wait?
Did they think I enjoyed peeing in random places?
5) Another time I peed on the hall floor.
Dad had told me to hold it.
6) So the other day I was working for some new people, and the wife stuck her head out the front door and yelled, Just so you know, there won't be any bathroom access!
She was kinda snippy about it too.
So I'm wondering, would they mind me peeing in their water feature in the back yard?
7) We're having our annual Mission's Conference at church this coming up week.
My Uncle Danny is preaching it.
I'm looking forward to seeing him! He's one of those comfort people of mine.
The last time he came, he bought me the darlingest little antique bookshelf for my living room. It's one of my prized possesions. He also redecorated the tops of my kitchen cupboards with some old tea sets, silver candlesticks, and crystal punch bowls that I had stashed away. He said he didn't understand why I had all my "pretties" stuck in drawers. I bet your uncle doesn't do that.
He staying at my house again this year with two missionaries.
Which means I need to fold my laundry.
8) I keep a prayer journal. I'm way spiritual like that. I'll probably be sitting on the Right Hand of the Father because of my super spiritual prayer journal.
Just kidding. I keep a prayer journal because of my ADD.
When I pray in my head, it goes like this...
Lord in Heaven...
(I wonder how long it's going to take me to fold all my laundry?)
(It's only the whites... maybe it won't take long.)
Wait a sec... Lord?... I really need Your help with such and such...
(No, it'll take longer. I did the darks too.)
(I need to get milk today too.)
(I wonder if The Tourist is out yet? I love Johnny Depp. He's my fav.)
Lord? Such and such is really getting to me...
(I wonder what would happen if I wore my socks in the shower?)
(Where ARE my socks? Probably still in the dryer from last week.)
Dang it! Lord, I have to go to work now.
Therefore, I keep a prayer journal because I'm forced to focus when I write.
It works for me.
9) I wore my socks in the shower.
It felt weird.
10) Sometimes God is so good to me that I have to run and stick my head under my pillow.
And yell real loud.