June 12, 2011

diary of a wimpy girl

I'm a wimp and a fraidy cat.
I admit it without shame.

I listen to other girls talk about how they wrestle big German Shepherds down to the ground, and I remember the time a snarling little wiener dog had me sitting up on the kitchen island, terrified, clutching an ink pen in my hand for self defense while he ran in circles around me, barking his head off.

Or I hear them say, When I was out chopping wood...
Chopping wood? I'm not a big fan of axes.
In Love Comes Softly, Clark pretty much chops off his foot with an axe. That's what happens. You think you're just gonna go out and chop some wood, but you end up chopping foot instead.

I'm afraid of going to the bathroom at church, and getting my skirt stuck up somewhere, and walking out of the bathroom, and everyone seeing... you know... everything. And me blushing, and everyone reminding me of that time you got your skirt stuck up places... hahahaha for the rest of my life.
So I always go pee at home, before I leave for church.

I'm afraid of Forrest.
The red-headed, Nazi giant who was in my speech class a couple years ago and stared at me the entire class like he wanted to kidnap me and sacrifice me to the devil. Every single class. Creeped me out. And I saw him at Walmart not too long ago, on the chip aisle. So I grabbed a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, and held it in front of my face, and stood really, really still, hoping to blend in with the other chips until he was gone.
Then I ran.

I'm afraid of weed eaters. I use them when I have to, but I don't like it. They make me blink frantically.
I'm worried I might accidentally weed eat my leg, and get gangrene, and end up an amputee in an homeless shelter.
Eating in a soup kitchen.
All because of a stupid weed eater.

I'm afraid of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
And Alice in Wonderland.
And The Wizard of Oz.
And all other disturbing movies that have little scary looking short people in them and give me nightmares.

I'm afraid of waterbeds.
1. I could drown.
2. I watched Nightmare on Elm Street when I was a little girl and have never forgotten the look on that guy's face when Freddy Krueger jumped out of the waterbed and slashed him to bits.

I'm afraid of people with two hearts.
I've never met one in real life, but when I was a little girl one of my aunts made me watch some horror movie about a guy who was a scientific experiment, and he had two hearts. He also killed everybody he ran into. He also got shot like fifty million times but still lived. He was the unkillable serial killer. He jumped out at people from behind walls. He was super strong and one time, some people pushed him down into a well and were hugging each other, all relieved to be alive, when all the sudden, Two Heart Dude jumped out of the well and killed them.
I cried the entire movie and kept looking over my shoulder at the black night outside of the sliding glass door, thinking about how Two Heart Killer could shatter that glass door with a single tap of his pinky.
And ultimately kill me slowly.
My aunt was sadistic. You know who you are, Aunt.

I'm afraid of going to the mall, getting back into my car, and having my Achilles tendon slashed by a serial killer hiding under my car.
There was a guy who did that to a bunch of women in Houston when I was a little girl. Makes my Achilles tendon quiver just thinking about it.
I always look under my car before I get too close to it.
Just in case.

I'm not afraid of the dark.
Unless I'm coming in Karen's house late one night, and everyone's asleep in bed, and I'm being very, very quiet so I don't wake them, and I don't turn on the lights, and then Tim jumps out at me from beside the refrigerator and yells real loud in my ear, and then I scream bloody murder and literally pee my pants.
I don't have fight or flight instincts.
I have stand-there-and-pee-my-pants instincts.

So when I read Proverbs 3, and it says, When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet. Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh. For the LORD shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken.
... it's the shall keep thy foot from being taken part that I like the best.
Because I don't want my foot to be taken.
Not by a weiner dog, or a weed eater, or creepers under my bed, or the Wicked Witch of the West, or the Achilles tendon guy under my car.
So it's nice to have that assurance that God will keep my foot safely.

... but I still don't like to hang my feet off the edge of the bed at night.
Just in case.