June 09, 2011

i forget

I'm forgetful. And absent minded. And accident prone. And I have slow reflexes.
I'm one of those put-my-purse-in-the-freezer kind of people.
I have to take precautions.
I can't just lay things wherever. I can't procrastinate (Let me rephrase that. I can procrastinate, I do procrastinate, but the consequences are always disastrous).  I have to write lists and put them either on the front door or on my steering wheel where I can see them at all times. It doesn't do me any good to write a list and put it in my purse, I'll forget it's there. Post-it notes have saved my life a few times. I write reminders to myself on my hands and arms, in permanent marker. I put reminders in my phone and keep it in my pocket at all times so the little alarms will go off and remind of what I'm doing during the day. I have a calender that I write everything in and check every morning and night.
But even with all that, I still forget things.
I walk into Walmart and forget why I'm there so I leave empty handed and wake up at 3:00 AM thinking, Wax strips! My eyebrows are a unibrow!
I have to be careful to throw away all lists when I'm done with them.
Otherwise, I'll be in Tidyman's Grocery, rummaging around in my purse for my list, find the list, buy the milk, Lucky Charms, Top Ramen, and Chips Ahoy written on said list, go home, and realize I already have milk, Lucky Charms, Top Ramen, and Chips Ahoy. Because that was three days ago's list, and I already bought all that stuff. Three days ago. But I comfort myself with the knowledge that if my apartment building should ever be put under siege by terrorists, I would have plenty of Chips Ahoy to see me through it.

I woke up the other morning, fixed my hair carefully, and applied my make-up equally carefully.
Painted my fingernails. Put my Bible in my purse. Decided to wear my white eyelet dress (This is the white eyelet dress I bought to wear for my friend Heather's wedding because I thought, It's Heather. She won't care if I wear white to her wedding, and the first thing Heather said to me at her wedding reception was, Why are you wearing white to my wedding? And everybody was like, Who's the tacky girl wearing all white to your wedding, Heather?) and Kelly green wedge sandals. Started to walk out the door and head to church... and happened to glance at the clock on the microwave as I left.
I did a double take.
6:45 AM?
Why was I up so early?
Church didn't start until 10:45...
Oh.
Then I remembered that it was Wednesday, and I was supposed to be at work in 15 minutes.
So I ran quick and pulled on work jeans and a sweatshirt, and managed to only be 3 minutes late for work.

Then...
Because I'm forgetful...
The guy I was working for had written a list of everything he wanted done in the gardens and greenhouse.
It was a fancy, typewritten list.
It said MEMORANDUM in big, fat, bold letters across the top.
I'm always grateful when they write a list. A list means I won't have to ask what I'm supposed to be doing... fifty million times... over and over. Or have to write it on my arm. Or on a post-it note stuck to my forehead.
So I folded the list and stuck it in my back pocket where I could get to it easily, anytime I got confused... I wonder if I was supposed to fertilize the lilac tree, or prune it? I think he said prune it, but maybe not. I'll just prune it since I've already asked him about it twice. No wait... if I prune it now, it won't bloom next year, then the Gardening Club will frown at him, then he'll frown at me, then I'll get fired, then I'll be broke, then I won't be able to buy food and water. I see a downward spiral here.
Then, after awhile, I ran down to Sonic for lunch.
I got a cheeseburger and an M&M blast.
Then I ran into the bathroom because I needed to go pee.
But I forgot that the list was in my back pocket...
So when I stood up...

My list fell into the toilet.

I would've grabbed it as it fell, but my non-existing reflexes kicked in and I just stared at it, frozen in place.
Panic. Time to panic. Time to freak out. Time to say, What the heck! Why me, God???
What was written on that list???
What did it tell me to do next???
I. can't. remember.
Prune the lilac tree? Fertilize the lilac tree? Clip the roses? Fish emulsion? Put the peppers in the planters? Put the tomatoes in the other planter? Find the back sprinkler line? Yank out the pineapple mint? Slit my own throat? Hang myself? Admit to the homeowner that his fancy list was floating in the Sonic toilet?
Maybe I could just grab it out...
Nevermind. I don't have the guts. Nor gloves, nor tongs. Nor hand sanitizer.
So I just watched mournfully as it flushed downward.

Then I went back to work.
And happily remembered everything I was supposed to do. I was so on top of this. Who needed a list?
I let Mr. M. know I was done and about to leave...
Good, good! So did you find the B-1 for the Japanese maple? That should give it a boost! My wife loves that maple.
What was he talking about??? I don't remember anything about B-1. I put fish emulsion on the Japanese maple.
I scratched my head and looked at the ground, Think. Think, Sunny Jane.
Well. Actually. You know how I said I was done and leaving? What I meant was I'm ALMOST done and ABOUT to leave. After I do the B-1, of course.

Then I had to ask...

So... where did you say you store the B-1?