bun in the oven

This is my friend Heather.
And Adam, the husband.

This is Heather playing tennis.
She can be pretty competitive...

This is Heather's bun in the oven...

Get it???
She's having a baby!!!
I'm pretty excited. We can do all kinds of baby shopping and planning. And I can say, Heather. THIS is how you swaddle, and stuff like that.
I've been keeping it a secret for two weeks and it's been killing me.
Heather told me last night that she's finally told all of her family... so I can bust out the good news now.
I. cannot wait. to see Heather and Adam with a baby.

Here's Heather with babies/little kids right now:

What do I do with it???
How do I hold it???
Will it break???
Why is it squirming around like that???
Why does it smell? It has POO??? Take it!!! *gag, gag, puking motions*
When my baby cries, I'll just tell it to be quiet and it'll obey, of course.
When it comes time to potty train my baby, I'll have the job done in one day flat.
Kids should be seen and not heard.
Don't you back talk me little kid!
When my baby poops, Adam will change it. He's good at that kind of stuff. He'll be such a great daddy!

You think I'm exaggerating?
I'm not.
She's come a long way though.
She knows how to hold a baby now, and P.J. is a baby and he absolutely loves Heather. Runs to her every time he sees her.
She and Adam will be great parents.

However...

Heather graduated from Gonzaga Law school last year with all kinds of honors and prizes and trophies so now she's an attorney, or a lawyer, or something really smart like that. We're all very proud of her smartness.
Normally she's the one telling me all kinds of smart stuff while I sit there with my eyes glazed over, but now.... Ha!
Now I get to scare her with all kinds of  what-happens-when-you're-pregnant-and-then-you-have-a-baby-and-then-it-turns-into-a-little-kid stories.

This is my chance to finally get back at her for being smarter than me.

So, Heather... you know that you lose control over your bladder, right? Yeah. Don't jump around too much or you'll pee your pants. For the rest of your life.

Hey, Heather... stretch marks? Irreversible.

Heather... morning sickness? You'll probably puke at least once in the court room. Don't worry. Just tell them you're pregnant and they'll most likely clean it up for you. Besides, morning sickness only lasts like three months. Unless you're one of those women who's sick the whole nine months. Then it lasts for like... nine months.

Did you know babies sleep in the day time and keep you up all night? Did you know long term sleep deprivation has caused death in lab animals?

Ever heard of colic? Chicken pox? Scarlet fever? Measles? Strep throat? Croup? Small pox?
Kids get all of those like once a year.

Your kids will poop on the carpet just like everyone else's.

And they'll tell you they did their chores, but really... they were picking their noses and wiping it on the walls.

Did you know you'll have really weird cravings while pregnant? My mom knew this woman who craved leather. She chewed on her belts. And her shoes. She had to buy new ones after the baby came.

Postpartum depression? ...it's ok. I'll come check on you every day. I do it for my sisters.

But it's all WORTH IT, Heather.


*evil, sinister laughter*


I'm just kidding, Heather...

Small pox is pretty much extinct these days.